10 Best Distractions Between New Walking Dead Episodes

10 Best Distractions Between New The Walking Dead Episodes

Time literally folds in on itself between new Walking Dead episodes…or out on itself…in, out – who cares!  Time does that thing where one week…7 days…24×7=hours (do the math)…takes like…like…way more than one week!  When time between episodes CREEPS – here’s what you can do:

1.  Debating

It’s time-consuming.  It’s engrossing.  Pick a topic.  Form an opinion.  Then create powerful, debate worthy Pro/Con-Walking Dead arguments.  Do zombie toe nails grow?  Pick a side!

2.  Cursing

Curse blue streaks at Walking Dead writers for not making the episodes longer or for making more of them or not creating a non-stop Walking Dead channel that aires new shows every night for the next 3 years forcing said writers to forego personal or social lives.  For 3 years or until I fall in love, get married, and have kids.  Make that 2 years.

3.  Writing

Write your own new episodes.  How bad can they be?  What’s that saying about a million monkeys w/ typewriters in a room & something something Shakespeare?  You’re way better than any typewriting monkey…you probably have a Mac.

4.  Yelling @ Andrea

ANDREA!!!  WHAT the hell are you DOING???  The governor is a capital D-bag!

• Faaaact:  Governor D-bag pitts Daryl & Merle in a duel to the death (flip side: there’s a 50/50 chance in that scenario that Merl gets dead so…yea!)…& you totally witnessed this.  It’s not like Michonne – the best friend that saved your life – told you second hand & because you’re in love with Gov. D-bag (R) Newbury you choose not to believe her.
• Faaaact:  You’ve seen his room of Head-Only horrors.
• Faaaact:  Michonne can’t stand him.  And she’s awesome.

5.  Reading

Read the graphic novels.  Then…look for other zombie related books, shows, poetry, monologues, plays, etc.  Then…read Daisy Fay & The Miracle Man.  No zombies – just a really good story.

6.  Picking Favorites

While I love most of the characters – Rick, Daryl, Maggie, Glenn, Carl, Hershel, Lil’ Asskicker,  my hands down new favorite character is:  Michonne!  Holy crap she’s awesome.  She’s like some awesome combination of Kill Bill & Buffy TVS.  Awesome!

7.  Training

Seriously consider learning how to slice & dice with a katana…by seriously I mean think about how to google that.

8.  Weight-Loss

While everything about a zombie apocalypse is really bad, do you ever wonder how much weight I…you…could lose during such an epidemic…(I’m betting a lot!)…then think about all the clothes I…you…could wear and all the malls I could get those clothes from and…this is easily my favorite distraction

9.  Believing

People say zombies don’t exist, but the minute we stop believing, that’s when the zombies win.

10.  Dance Lessons

Learn the Zydeco-two step.  This has nothing to do with the Walking Dead I just really like the music…wait a minute!  Everything has something to do with zombies.  Now that I think of it…what if…just what if…it turns out to be a natural weapon against The Walking Dead!  Wait, thats from “Mars Attacks!”.     Except I think that was Hank Williams & Country/Blue Grass, not Zydeco.

 

10 Best Rich People Responses To The Richmond-Chevron Refinery Explosions

Yesterday when we got the alert to get inside and close our doors & windows because the air was so toxic it might make you sick for the rest of your life I took a moment to daydream how I might respond to this environmental/health catastrophe if I were rich….hmmm…let me see?

Here are the 10 Best Rich People Responses to the Richmond – Chevron Refinery exploding:

1. Relocation

2. Vacation…way elsewhere

3. In case of accidental Richmond – Chevron Refinery air breathing immediately vacation to Thailand and pay the best of the best of the poor people to “donate” lungs

4. Not live near, next/adjacent to a refinery – especially Chevron

5. Not let refinery live near, next/adjacent to them – especially Chevron

6. Enlist private rocket &/or Rocket/Submarine Combo to the moon

7. Not get life-long respiratory/asthma related problems which tend to shorten life spans & degrade quality of life

8. Order minion outside to breathe the air & give the all-clear or pass out.  If minion passes out/stops breathing, get new minion.

9. Spend the next few months in a really nice hotel w/ great room service nowhere near an exploding refinery

10. Not get cancer…TOTALLY not get cancer.  Then go shopping.

 

10 Best Reasons I LOVE Water!

There isn’t a thing…not one single, solitary hair frizzing thing I don’t like…nay – LOVE/ADORE/WORSHIP about water.

It’s the best (no disrespect to the other elements)!

1. showers/baths

2. water parks

3. brushing teeth with it

4. water fights

5. exercising in it

6. playing in it

7. drinking it!!!

8. bumping unsuspecting loved ones into it

9. listening to it

10. washing dishes/clothes/my hair with it

    I love/adore/worship/consider sacred everything about it!  All the reasons above and maybe 5 million more are great reasons to conserve it when/where ever you get the chance.

    Always be good to water!  It’s almost always good to you!

 

10 Best Reasons I’d Still Vote for Rep. Anthony Weiner (D) NY

Oh how I wish-how I wish Congressman Anthony Weiner (D) NY had been honest from the get go…

…”Yeah, I sent it…it’s a joke.  See, my last name is Weiner…deal with it.”

…but if you can’t understand his moment of panic & subsequent need to fabricate an alternate scenario, then you haven’t turned on a TV in the last 25 years and witnessed the side-show like status of broadcast journalism in America today…uhh thank you, Mr. Murdoch.

That said, should I ever have the chance, I’ll vote for Congressman Anthony Weiner tout suite.

Here are the 10 Best Reasons Why I’d Still Vote for Congressman Anthony Weiner…

…anytime, anywhere, any office…

1.     Because of how hard he fights for comprehensive health care reform.

2.    Because of how hard he fights against giving tax breaks to the “Several Homes Abroad” Crowd.

3.     Because he came out and told the truth…eventually…in the face of all sorts of ensuing drama.

4.     Because he has a great laugh (see Daily Show interview)

5.     Because he’s really funny (see Daily Show interview)

6.     Because of his confidence…I mean, the balls on this guy.  Seriously…as far as I can tell…he’s got some serious balls.

7.     Because his last name is Weiner & he tweeted a pic of his boxer-short clad guy-parts.  That’s high-larious.

As long as he was sending these pics to adult, non-grossed out women, then it’s pretty off the charts stupid funny.

8.     Because his wit, combined w/ his convictions makes for some sharp & insightful commentary.  I hope this unpleasantness doesn’t change that.

9.     Because his “non-scandal” scandal DIDN’T waste a single tax payer dollar.  I mean, he never even called the Capital Police or the FBI to investigate.  Now, that would have pissed me off.

10.    And almost entirely because he stands up for people who don’t own/have access to lobbyists, supreme-court judges, politicians, etc., he does it when there’s nothing in it for him except doing the job he was elected to do.

The only people he needs to apologize to or make things right with include his family…and his family.

Anyone NOT in that group…well, folks, you know what they say:

…you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here…

 

10 Best Comics Ever…& That I Can Remember Right Now

10 Best Comics Ever

(in the order they came into my head)

1.     Dana Gould

2.     Brian Reagan

3.     Janeane Garofalo

4.     Dave Chappelle

5.     Chris Rock

6.     Wanda Sykes

7.     George Lopez

8.     Ellen DeGeneres

9.     Franklin Ajaye

10.   Aziz Ansari

I would, if I could, give an Honorable Mention to this one guy who did this bit about, “… how his father had changed religions and had gone from being a Christian to a militant Muslim who saw conspiracies everywhere like at X-mas when the beloved fat white man came around and gave all the good kids toys & in the supermarket when his father noticed the green olives were kept in a glass jar while the black olives were in a can…”

…but I won’t, because I can’t…

…because I don’t remember his name.  I can see his face, hear his voice (both extremely funny), but not his name!

…that guy is a comic genius.  That bit is pure gold and despite having ruined it above in my less than stellar re-telling, I’m laughing my ass off just remembering his delivery.

If anyone recognizes the bit above and knows his name…seriously…let me know!

 

10 Best People to Direct The Hunger Games (2012)

10 Best People to Direct The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins

The Hunger Games (2008) Catching Fire (2009) Mockingjay (2010)

You know what it feels like when you come across a book that is so good?

Special — like you’ve been temporarily gifted with some kind of super power.

You know how you’d feel if you found out there were 2 more like it?

Happy.  Really happy.  No, wait.  Super happy.

Then there’s the feeling you get when that favorite book gets turned into a film & cast as the lead is someone who looks like a cross between Hillary Duff & the Olson Twins?  There’s a word for it…

…Un-special?  De-gifted?  Not good.

Especially not good since that character looks exceedingly not like a Duff/Olson mix.

Here are the 10 Best Directors I think would do absolute justice to Suzanne Collins’ trilogy.

…clearly, I should’ve posted this list sooner as a director has already been selected…

(really would’ve appreciated a memo on that)

1.     Mira Nair —  because of Salaam Bombay (Mumbai) & Monsoon Wedding.

2.    Radha Bharadwaj — because of Closet Land.

3.     Ron Howard — because of Willow.

4.     Kathryn Bigelow — because of Strange Days & The Hurt Locker.

5.     Chris Colombus — because of Harry Potter 1 & 2

6.     Alfonso Cuaron — because of Harry Potter 3

7.     Mike Newell —  because of Harry Potter 4

8.     Ridley Scott — because of most of his films, but especially Alien 1, 2, & 3.

9.    Catherine Hardwicke — because of Twilight & Lords of Dogtown.

10.   Mimi Leder — because of Deep Impact.

Honorable Mentions

11.    Darnell Martin — because of I like it like that & Cadillac Records.

12.    Rob Reiner — because of Stand By Me and The Princess Bride.

 

The 35 Best Reasons I Love/Adore/Remember Harwant of Verka (1939-2011)

35 and Counting… 

1.   For braiding our hair…AND matching the ribbons for school even though you’d just finished an 8-10 hr shift at the plant.

2.   For doing a job that most men couldn’t take for more than an hour so you & dad could buy a house and clothes and bunk beds.

3.   For loving to watch movies in a theater.

4.   For the way you had of saying words like, “whatever” & “maybe” & “I don’t know” & “koota, kunjara”.

5.   For only painting your nails Really Red,  New York Big Apple Red, Ruby Red (all shades of exactly the same color)…because that was YOUR color.

6.   For dealing with the onset of a neurological disorder you had no name for & the doctors still have no cure for the best you could while working, raising 3 girls, & going to every doctor imaginable to get yourself well.

7.   For your motto, “Spend & God Will Send”.

8.   For your epic, legendary, prolific shopping skills which required the creation of the motto.

9.   For succeeding in a foreign country.

10.  For always loving your daughter that stayed away for a long time.

11.   For your perfectly straight, beautiful, cavity-free teeth of which you were deeply…& rightly proud.

12.   For your genuine pleasure in receiving guests and making them feel welcome, well-fed, & honored.

13.   For almost crying the day we took you to the nursing home even though you’d decided you didn’t want to stay home w/ Dad.

14.   For always getting back up after every fall, bruise, cut, sprain, ache, & sore.

15.   For being a fashion plate, always.

16.   For staying with us for 3 extra days when you were ready to go much sooner.

17.   For being so strong, always.

18.   For wanting to come to America so you could ride horses…dressed in full riding gear…& also because you wanted to drive a maroon Chevy Malibu (our first car).

19.   For your answer to my question of whether you believed in reincarnation,  “Whatever.”

20.   For the joy you felt every time you spotted an airplane, bike, train, or boat in the Bollywood films we watched.

21.   For working as a Teamster at a time when a brown woman threatened so many pale males around you and decided to make your life miserable as a result.

22.   For your stunning, breath-catching beauty.

23.   For your grace.

24.   For being a little bit crazy & passing that little bit of crazy on down to your daughters.

25.   For always repeating what you were trying to say what must have felt like a million times when I couldn’t make the words out.

26.    For loving jello & tapioca equally and telling me every time you had one or the other.

27.   For saying no to pureed food even after they had that meeting with us telling us what could happen to you if you didn’t change your diet.

28.   For the guts it took to say no to all conversation about feeding tubes or breathing tubes while knowing full well what that meant.

29.   For your drive, ambition.

30.   For having a full life.

31.   For your soft, soft cheeks which I loved to kiss.  Sometimes you’d laugh, like a kid.  Sometimes you’d say, “Eh!  Why’d you do that?”, irritated, but still like a kid.

32.   For taking a swig of brandy on the advice of nuns you worked with who once told you what to do if your labor pains ever stopped cold…and for my life which your quick thinking and brandy kick started again.

33.   For letting some of those same nuns give me candy in exchange for saying curse words cutely.

34.   For how you said my name that one time on the phone…with so much love and happiness and something else.

35.   For exercising.  Mostly for me.  Sometimes for you…& sometimes just because you wanted a good reason to curse.

 

10 Best Dixie Chicks’ Songs

10 Best Songs by the Dixie Chicks

I never thought of myself as a country music fan.  Then I took a look at my CD’s:

Mary Chapin Carpenter   Dolly Parton Dwight Yoakam   Trisha Yearwood Johnny Cash   Shania Twain…

& the Dixie Chicks

Turns out I’m a fan.

The songs below are especially great for when you’re in the mood to sing along @ the top of your lungs…you know, when you’re in a car, in the shower, or just not anywhere near people w/ ears.

***warning:  possible side effect:  your speech may take on a slight to SEVERE southern accent which should dissipate on its own within 24-48 hrs.

It’s actually pretty acute…pun intended***

1.     The Long Way Around

if you’re one of the “long way ’round” folks — this song will make you cry every time you hear it

2.    If I Fall You’re Going Down With Me

7 times…that’s how long it takes to memorize it

3.     Goodbye Earl

a really good song; also guaranteed to inspire, warm your heart, put a smile on your face, & a wink in your eye…all the Earl’s of the world should hear it

4.     Girl I Could Fall For A Boy Like That / A              Heart That Can

you won’t find these songs on itunes…try youtube; they’re totally worth it

5.     Truth No. 2

truth is…it’s really good

6.     There’s Your Trouble

i never get tired of singing this song

7.     Am I The Only One (Who’s Ever Felt This Way)

8.     Heartbreak Town

9.     Lullaby

you just can’t not love this song…not possible…oh, unless you hate lullabys.

10.    Loving Arms

 

10 Best Reasons to Ditch Your Cell Phone

Here are the 10 Best Reasons to NOT own a cell phone

1.     Generally speaking, you’ll seem a lot less douchy.

2.     No tumors.

3.     Higher sperm count for the gentlemen.

4.     Because you’re pretty fond & even kind of braggy about all those brain cells of yours.

5.     Do it for the bees!  The entire bee population as we know it has stopped hooking up w/ flowers!  Did you get that?  Bees aren’t making it w/ plants anymore!!! Cell phones might be the reason bees can’t find their way back to their hives…the reason they stop making honey!

And…well…a world w/out honey…is it even worth it?

6.     Read The Cell by Stephen King (no…it’s not the same as the J-Lo film)…how does avoiding a nasty, bloody, horrible, way dictatarian, insanity inducing plague strike you?  You can count me out.

7.     You won’t get beaten up at the movies anymore because you “forgot” to turn off your cell & decided to take a call despite being in a darkened movie theatre where everyone else is trying to watch Paranormal Activity and be scared while you talk in your outside voice to some other giant douche who’s probably doing the same.

8.     Because the last time your car broke down on a deserted road @ night near a bunch of mutant mountain people or zombies and you needed your cell phone to call for help was never.

9.     You’re way better looking without it.

10.     Because of all the good karma points you’ll rack up by NOT driving while being a giant douche (i.e. driving too slowly because you’re on your cell talking/texting/being a douche)…in your next life, you’ll get to come back taller & with a naturally fast metabolism…promise!

 

10 Best X-Files Ever

The 10 Best X-Files Episodes…Ever:

I know!  It’s off the air!  However, I never saw the “Exit David Duchoveny, Enter Robert Patrick” seasons.  Until now.  &…

the truth is out there

and it’s on Netflix…all 9 seasons.

here are the 10 best…best as in funniest, creepiest, coolest……episodes EVER…

Thanks to the following:

CHRIS Carter.   DARIN Morgan.   VINCE Gilligan.   HOWARD Gordon.   KIM Manners.   JAMES Wong.   GLEN Morgan

1.     Every Episode w/ Robert Patrick (S8, S9)

I’ve never been MORE wrong about a “switch-0ut”.  This guy rocked the last 2 seasons of the X-files.

His chemistry with Scully was so off the charts great…let’s just say it’s a shame she was pregnant with Mulder’s half alien baby at the time.

2.     War of the Coprophages (S3, E12)

Scully gets jealous over a lady bug doctor (entamologist) named Bambi — enough said.

3.     Humbug (S2, E20)

Mulder & Scully and a circus sideshow.  Watch it.

4.     Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose (S3, E4)

Peter Boyle is the man.  So is the writer of this episode…Darin Morgan.

5.     Quagmire (S3, E22)

A tiny dog gets eaten by a giant-mutant alligator.  Not the usual hard-core X-Files “Aliens taking over the planet/stole my baby/cloning humans to create a race of super soldiers/colonizing us,” episodes.

6.     Home (S4, E2)

easily one of the sickest, creepiest, freakiest, disturbing-est, perturbing-est, scariest, most discomforting, unseemly, at times…unwatchable, “can’t believe I’m seeing this on television” episodes ever — IT WAS THE BEST!

7.     Unruhe (S4, E4)

it’s Silence of the Lambs/Dr. Lechter scary without any lambs, chianti, slurping, or fava beans — this has a scary guy with crazy eyes and a lobotomizing nose pick.

8.     Never Again (S4, E13)

1st and last time you see that Scully has a wild, one-nighter, tatts/bikers side — that & she doesn’t have a desk in that basement office…not cool!

9.     Small Potatoes (S4, E20)

the funniest x-files ever – you get to see pretend-Mulder put the moves on Scully and she’s so pleasantly wined up, she doesn’t say no.

10.      Bad Blood (S5, E12)

love this episode due to the vampires, the accents, the sherif (Luke Wilson…so good as Lucious Harwell there should’ve been a spin-off), the separate Scully/Mulder versions, and the start to finish HIGH-lariousness.

You also find out Mulder’s a totally abysmal tipper/cheap bastard…NOT attractive.

Honorable Mention:

11.     Triangle (S6, E3)

Mulder plants one on Scully (kisses her) and she goes Sista’ Soldja on him (punches him).

12.     Dreamland I & II (S6, E4-5)

Funny I & Funny II thanks in large part to Spinal Tap guy…Michael McKeean

13.     How the Ghosts Stole Christmas (S6, E6)

Lily Tomlin.  Ed Asner.  They play a couple of horrid, bitter, goulish, ghosts.  They’re great.

14.     Arcadia (S6, E15)

Finally…an X-files where Mulder & Scully have to pretend to be a couple.

15.     Milagro (S6, E18)

A writer, madly in-love w/ Scully, yet pretty demented…oh…& he has the power to make real what he writes.  Plus, a jealous Mulder.

16.     Sein und Zeit Pt. 1 (S7, E10), Closure Pt. 2 (S7, E11)

You’re gonna’ cry.  Think NYPD Blue.  The episode where Jimmy Smits’ character dies…And Buffy The Vampire Slayer.  The episode where her mom dies.  And Mash.  The episode where the helicoptor explodes & the people inside…well, die.

 

10 Best Techniques to Avoiding Stinktastic Odors on BART

it’s inevitable

when you’re least expecting it…WHAM!  A stink known only to humans…

…as that of other live un-bathed humans…hits you upside your head and your only wish is that it lay you out completely

it doesn’t

& you endure your BART trip in fully conscious olfactory misery.

Or not.  Read on & thank me later:

1. Nose plugs

not a great look.

2. Mouth Breathing

yes you’ll have serious dry mouth.

3. Relocate

4. Polite Remarks

make one at the risk of having a stink curse put on you and your descendents throughout all of eternity…heard it with my own eyes!

5. Smart Remarks

make one at the risk of being stabbed…with or without health insurance, better than a curse.

6. Happy Places

go to yours…the one that smells like PB&J or cake…anything other than butt.

7. Mind-Power Harnessing

that’s right…harness the power of your mind and make the maloderous offender move (…size matters — is your brain bigger than Stinky?).

8. Hold your breath

once you pass out you won’t care what it smells like.

9. Exhale…Hard

breathe out really hard…you’ll move the bad smells away from you intermittently.  Trust me; even a minute reprieve is better than non-stop stink any day.

10. Scented Sachets

make & carry a sachet with you at all times.  Dangle it from a string tied around your forehead so that it stops right under your nose.  Voila!  Problem solved.

Well, it’s later — feel free to thank me by leaving any additional techniques I left out.

 

10 Best Animal Planet Shows That Make You Afraid of Animals

10 Best Animal Planet Shows That’ll Make You Very Afraid…of Animals.

It used to be you’d tune into Animal Planet and you’d get a show that made you learn and subsequently, love animals.

Not anymore.  Seems to be a new sheriff in town…with a crazy, new mission statement no less:

Be Afraid…Be VERY Afraid. 

Here are 10 real Animal Planet programs available for your viewing pleasure…

…or terror:

#1     River Monsters

The dvd cover contains the picture of a mutant-monster fish w/ zombie-FANGS.

#2     I’m Alive!

An animal attacked you, you lived, and you’ve been eating out on that story ever since.

#3     I Shouldn’t Be Alive

Not the same as #2…it’s a completely different show about animals and people getting too close.

#4     Monsters Inside Me

Sounds like a fun 1/2 hour.

#5     Fatal Attractions

I don’t even know.

#6     Blood Dolphins

Do dolphin’s have a time of the month?

#7     Pitbulls & Parolees

I bet there’s a Michael Vick segment.

#8     The Haunted

If you’re such a bad pet owner that your dead pet decides to come back & haunt you instead of a sausage factory…well, you probably have it coming.

#9     Killer Aliens

Killer aliens???

#10     Untamed & Uncut

Live footage of scary animals being animals…also stuff that didn’t make it onto #2 or #3.

Honorable Mention:

1.     Hillbilly Hand Fishin’

If that means what I think it means…forget it — I’m afraid…very afraid.

 

10 Best Songs for Elizabeth Warren’s Wall Street Beat Down Soundtrack

10 Best Songs for Dr. Elizabeth Warren’s Wall Street Beat Down Soundtrack…

Sincere & heartfelt congratulations & good wishes to Ms. Warren on her new appointment as Special Advisor (off-the-charts brilliant bad-ass) to a new Consumer Protection Financial Bureau (CPFB).

I hope Ass-Kicking makes it on her list & that she has the proper footwear for it.

1.     These boots are made for Walking (1966)   nancy sinatra

2.     Heartbreaker (1979)   pat benetar

3.     Quiet Dog Bites Hard (2009)   mos def

4.     Hit Me With Your Best Shot (1979)   pat benetar

5.     Fight The Power (1989)   public enemy

6.     Power To The People (1971)   john lennon

7.     TNT (1975)   ac/dc

8.     Cue The Rain (2009)   queen latifah

9.     Trouble (2003)   pink

10.     How You Like Me Now (2009)   the heavy

honorable mention:

Gold Digger (2005)   Kanye West — just gives this song a whole new meaning

Barracuda (1977)   Heart

Get Up On It (2007)   Empire ISIS

 

10 Best Ways to AVOID Eye Contact on BART

10 Best Techniques to AVOID Eye Contact on BART!

You don’t want it to happen.  Nobody does.

errant

unexpected

awkward

Stranger eye contact.  A complete stranger’s gaze sliding into yours.

You’re on BART…or some other place inhabited by lots of humans…and your eyes can’t seem to stop themselves from roving.

Next thing you know, “Houston, we have contact.”  A complete stranger slides right into your eye line.  They look at you.  You look at them.  You look to your left, then to your right.

What to do…what to do?  Read on, my fellow social mal-adjusts:

1.     Reading — best way ever to avoid making eye contact & yet another reason to be literate.

2.     Writing — a better way to go for the “I like to sound out the voices & accents in books” crowd.

3.     Arithmatic — eventually your eyes glaze over by themselves…easy-breezy-beautiful…math.

4.     Sunglasses — only if you’re cool enough.

5.     Goiter — trust me…no one’s making eye contact.  Unless they also have one…in which case, maybe romance or a friendship ensues.

6.     Talking…make that arguing…with yourself — loudly or matter-of-factly, your choice.

7.     Stinking — have a strong, negative odor waft from your person.

8.     Being cross-eyed — kind of hard to know which way to make eye contact.

9.     Solicitation — asking for stuff (money, a ride home, someone’s “shiny-shiny” shoes) produces the desired results!

10.   Knock-Knock jokes — to be used in case of emergency only…a midnight ride from SFO to Pittsburg, for instance.

 

10 Best TV Animation Show Voices

10 Best Animated Show Voices

There are voices…& then there are voices!  This is a list of the 2nd kind.

King of the Hill

1.     Jimmy Wichard (deserves his own show)

2.     Bobby or Bubby Hill

3.     Dale (especially when he thought he had rabies)

4.      The YMCA’s women’s defense class instructor, “I don’t know you!  Let go of my purse!”

(…does she have a name?)

South Park

5.     Cartman (when he’s not being evil)

6.     Butters (sometimes Butters is better than Cartman)

The Simpsons

7.     The girl left hanging in the school gym, “Hello?  Mrs. Pommelhorse?  I’d like to get down now!”

8.     Homer

Family Guy

9.     Stewie (when he’s not being evil)

10.     Chris

Honoroable Mention:

SpongeBob Squarepants

1.     Gary, the Snail (speaks volumes)

 

10 Best Reasons Carla Bruni is Officially a SuperHero!

10 Best Reasons to:

root for…

support…

be PROUD of…

Carla Bruni-Sarkozy…Remarkable Bad-Ass & total SuperHero:

1.     Because she pissed off an incredibly small (w/ equally impish genitalia to match, I’m betting), angry man & got called a hooker for her troubles.

2.    Because she stood up for a woman who needs it.

3.    Because she stood up against the practice of sentencing women to death by stoning for adultery.

4.    Because she called B.S on the use of religion as the reason for being violent/cruel & abusive to women.

5.    Because she did what she did knowing full well what a douche Iran’s leader (for now) is & how a man w/ such obvious size issues would respond.

6.    Because she’s in a place of power & what she says makes headlines & she said & did what she said & did anyway.

7.    Because she’s right.

8.    Because she totally didn’t have to…she totally didn’t have to do one other damn thing than be the 1st lady of France & look polished & stately & chic (it is France)…& she did it anyway…that makes her a truly remarkable bad-ass.

9.    Because the little worm is desperate to save his job & figured if he could start a fight by calling Bruni names he might get his country to like him again…or at least stop thinking he’s a total douche (also their word choice)…ALL he needed was Ms. Bruni to talk trash back.  She’s wicked cool because she didn’t fall for it.

10.  Because in a fight…if she had to…CBS would so totally take him!

BTW…if being against stoning women makes you a hooker…well, count me in!

& Go hookers!

 

10 Best Crazy Religions I Wouldn’t Want Anywhere Near Ground Zero.

While crazy is one of those relative, “in the eye of the beholder” terms, it can & does apply to mostly every religion out there, in some way, shape, or form…at one time or another…mostly.

I mean…Bhuddists seem to be on a pretty even keel…EXCEPT…well, they sure do bow a lot…

…sure it’s to their spiritually enlightened betters, but still…

Anyway, here are just a few religious places of worship I think would be better off left un-opened on any block…

…plus…all that money could go towards un-crazying the crazy.

1.     The, “You’re seriously in danger of being exploded if you say anything unlikeable about our God/religion &/or ma’ ladies wardrobe…&…as for the ladies, should you wear pants, talk back, be disagreeable, blow the top part of your burqa off while sneezing, make eye contact, laugh while eye contact is made, or say/think/be accused of committing adultery…your punishment will range from stoning/jailing/lashing/cutting off of face parts/acid throwing” religion.

2. The “We require women to shave off their heads & walk around in an itchy wig after marriage” religion.

3.     The “Our priests can’t get married &/or have sex w/ people their own age…but KIDS are okay!” religion.

4.     The “Huh, this is a good day for a female circumcision!” religion.

5.     The ” We’re okay w/ men marrying multiple women & our preference is sisters — twins, triplets, so on” religion.

6.     The “I left & came back w/ a gun & shot & killed a bunch of people because someone didn’t give me time to speak/voice my opinions (read act crazy)” religion.

7.     The “once upon a time, we thought women should jump on top of their husbands funeral pyres” religion.

8.     The “I’m going to declare myself a god, buy a yacht…buy a captain’s hat & wear it, and then anchor off shore w/ a boat full of underage Latino boys…&…you better not call us a cult or our lawyers will make you wish you’d been exploded” religion/cult.

9.     The “We like to shoot &/or blow up women’s clinics & doctors & staff & so on” religion.

10.     Any Sarah Palin “talking in tongues, glassy-eyed stare, make as little sense as possible, shoot wolves from a helicoptor, blurt out some bat-crap crazy comment every couple of sentences, & have really nice skin” religion.

side note***  #6 is the only one you might not know, but it’s my occasionally crazy religion & I thought it only fair.

 

10 Best Reasons Meg Whitman Might Be A Douche Bag.

1.    Because she really seems to like Goldman Sachs…& they really like money, no matter how they get it…if there are any babies, kittens/puppies/foals, or butterflies out there worth a billion in bonds…hide them…hurry!  Goldman’s coming…& they’re hungry!

2.    Because Meg & Goldman Sachs seem to have a tit for tat relationship…only it’s not tit or tat, it’s trading access to super hot IPO’s in exchange for managing bonds worth billions…& should Meg become CA’s governor, Goldman can get it’s grubby, bond-grubbing hands that much closer to more of ours.

3.    Because Meg wants us to refer to her as the CEO of California…what ever, Fancy Pants.  I’m sure we’re all thinking how much this world needs more CEO’s w/ their outsource-layoff-slash benefits-increase executive salaries-destroy unions-ruin the company & get out of Dodge formulas.  Yeah, that’s what we’re thinking.

4.     Because of ALL those ads we’re never going to stop seeing…“Meg has so much money…How much does she have?…she has so much money…”  Well, let’s leave it at this; you’ve seen her ads.  I’ve seen her ads.  It’s feeling like a repeat of those PG&E “Yes on Prop 16” ads everyone voted NO on. Badump-pum!  Her opponent, in the meantime, got a great deal on organic okra @ a local farmer’s market (unconfirmed).

5.     Because Meg has decided California…maybe the whole country…is in the mess we’re in because of unions and…& one other thing, oh yes, welfare.  Meg HATES welfare. The “poor people” kind.  NOT the “corporate” kind.  Heavens no.  I have a feeling she’ll grow that kind just as fast as she can.  And she’ll call it “tax cuts”.

6.     Because her corporation owning supporters would probably love it if she would let them offer their employees the WalMart Standard Health Benefit Package…in which you heal yourself using a glitter wand & a sacred turnip (aisle 12).

7.     Because I don’t know for sure if Meg was cozy with the Goldman Gang before or after they hired all those math geniuses & top-of-their class physicists that created those impossible to understand formulas specifically created to:

– confuse the agencies in charge of stopping those shenanigans

– enable them to put more coin into the over-stuffed pockets of the “several homes abroad” crowd by looting, pillaging, & plundering w/out remorse, regret, or suffering a single, solitary repercussion…

– decimate…?  obliterate…?  annihilate…?  CREMATE our economy…& Greece’s

– make most of us lose our jobs & have to move back in w/ our parents…if you’re lucky…if you’re not…goodluck finding a sturdy piece of cardboard & an empty underpass

:hey, lets ask Meg, I’m sure she’ll tell us.

8.    Because despite all of #6, Meg’s decided to blame CA’s economic woes on the unions…(where workers are currently fighting for such luxuries as holding on to pensions & affordable health care…the kind you won’t go bankrupt over…in case you brake your ankle in a fight w/ a douche bag (see #10), for instance.  NOT her pals…the ones with all our money…giving us the finger while they bonus their asses out on…I’m digressing…

9. Because Meg named her son Griffith Rutherford Harsh V (yeah, because…yeah).

10.   Because her son reads like he’s one giant bag of douche & I’m pretty sure there’s an apropos saying out there about douche bags & trees. You be the judge:

– our boy was arrested on felony battery charges while matriculating @ Princeton (I know…who hasn’t).  Later, they were mysteriously dropped (possibly the most costly broken ankle in the history of ever)…

– it took a $30 million American dollar donation to Princeton for Meg to get her idiot child into the ivy leagues…& he probably graduated…in some percentile of his class…

– after all that, the only place the Golden Child could get a job was within a family business…I’m sure he makes himself useful…coffee does NOT make itself…

:& despite Meg’s generous endowment to Princeton, I doubt she’ll start a similar (if not as ample) scholarship program for California’s college bound kids.

 

…10 Best Ways to Distract Yourself on BART…

10 Best Ways to Distract Yourself on BART w/out a…

cell phone

i-thing

game-thing

etc!

That’s right.  I found myself on BART w/out any of the above.

Making matters infinitely, off-the-charts worse is that I also forgot my book!  I was half way through Howl’s Moving Castle (soooo good!…& no, I’m not a young adult…but I am reading The Hunger Games next).

My journey (East Bay to SF/SF to East Bay) could have been the longest, most soul-sucking hours of my life.  Could have.  If not for my trusty pen & notebook.

This is what to do in that situation 10 Best list:

1.     Pen/cil.  Paper.  Stick figures. What can’t you make them do?

2.     Breathe (fresh breath only), then draw on window.  Voila…Condensation Art.

3.     Unintentionally make eye contact w/ the same person about 11 times until you both think the other is a psycho.

4.     Discover a passenger reading The World According to Garp and see if you can tell by looking at their face if they’ve just gotten to a tragic part.

5.     When not in tunnel mode, look @ all the houses & wonder when and if you’ll ever be able to afford one.  Then send out a special curse to the golden parachute crowd @ Goldman Sachs, AIG, & cohorts in which they are left w/ nothing more than a studio apt. & maybe a bus pass…okay, forget the bus pass.  Those thugs can walk!

6.     Devise additional, semi-inappropriate punishment scenarios for Goldman Sachs, et a.  Careful, there is a downside.  Not only can it take up all your travel time, but you might also miss your stop.

7.      Consider televising #6.

8.     Comment/Review on footwear of other passengers – see if you can find a guy in tasseled, Italian loafers w/ no socks and laugh at him.

9.     Roll your eyes @ the passenger currently using all the items you don’t have simultaneously and seriously question whether she’s a fulfilled individual or not…then when you notice the really cool game she’s playing on her game thing…realize she probably isn’t UNLESS she gives you a turn.

10.   Write a story. It won’t kill you.

 

10 Best Netflix “instant-play” Workouts…

(b/t/w – these workouts that everyone liked & were really usefull are NO longer available on Netflix instant play…way to go geniuses)

The 10 Best Netflix “Instant-Play” workouts…

…because I dropped my gym membership…

…because I still want/need a really good* workout…

…because I have a Netflix account…

*really good = effective/not boring/good music

1.     10 Minute Solution: Kickbox Bootcamp (55 min) – Keli Roberts
hard w/o; fresh routine; decent music = not boring at all & I felt it!

2.     Trainer’s Edge: Killer Abs & Back (40 min) – Michael Olajide
it’s hard!…but works; good music; do it all the way thru & you’ll feel it the next few days

3.     Tummy Tone Party Zone (56 min) – Marie Forleo
you’re wiped by the end; remember to keep your abs tight

4.     Crunch:  CardioSalsa (39 min) – Giselle Roque de Escobar ***
hard to follow 1/2 way in, but a damn good w/o

5.     10 Minute Solution: Pilates (57 min) – Lara Hudson  do it all the way through; a tough w/o – you’ll feel wrung out, wrecked, stretched, toned, & drenched by the end   

6.     Pick Your Level:  Weight Loss Pilates (35 min) – Ellen Barrett
wish it was longer; hard w/o; music kept me going

7.     10 Minute Solution:  Fat Blasting Dance Mix (54 min) – Jennifer Gillardi
really fun/hard routine; really good ab section

8.     10 Minute Solution:  Rapid Results Pilates (56 min) – Lara Hudson
she is not playing…tough w/o; new moves I’d never seen (love that) & effective!

9.     Dance Off the Inches: Fat Burning Jam (36 min) – Michelle Dozois
good dance/cardio & use of hips – 2 things I love; had me sweating; wish it was longer

10.     Crunch:  Burn & Firm Pilates (48 min) – Ellen Barrett
new moves: hard w/o; good music; really works abs & thighs

***you might need to watch it once to learn the routines before doing the workout…or I’m just slow.

likes:
you can do them when ever & where ever
out of 43 Instant Play w/o’s, I really like 26 which is a lot
dislikes:
no new workouts added since 12/09
8 or 9 workout’s look really lame

no longer available updates:   Was #5…Jennifer Kries:  Perfect Mix (60 min) – Jennifer Kries ***   unexpected, really good cardio; hard to follow

!!!Totally Unnecessary Disclaimer!!!:

I am so NOT a professional fitness instructor, nutritionist, horse trainer, hockey coach, wellness anything, doctor of any kind (coulda’/woulda’ if I’d wanted to, but can’t stand sight of blood), any one trained or certified to help you lose weight or train to get into shape or train to lose weight or any of the above…I could probably tell you if you’ve lost weight, but we’d need a scale & your prior weight.  I’m someone who knows a good w/o when she sees one.  Period. I’ve seen enough to know you should check w/ an actual degree carrying doctor before doing any workout program…SO DO THAT…& enjoy!

 

…10 Best Buys to Try @ Trader Joe’s…

Welcome to my first EVER “10 Best…”

 

It’s a list of things I think are so great I need to tell everyone.

…this one’s food related because I’m hungry…

…it’s Trader Joe’s because they’re right down the street…

…these are the 10 best because my mouth & nose say so…

 (absolute, not-up-for-debate items):

1.     TJ’s Belgian Almond Thins (2.79)

Too damn delicious for their own good and w/ ingredients we can all pronounce & understand.  They did up the price from $1.99 to $2.79.  Bastards.  Don’t they know these are tough times for the tea & biscuit crowd?

2.     TJ’s Traditional Olive Tapenade*** (refrigerated section) (2.99)

Octavia Butler & J K Rowling couldn’t express how good this is with just words.  They’d need sign language & moaning.  It’s that good, you ask?  Scramble a tbsp into a 2-3 egg white omelet and you’ll be naming your 1^st born after me.  Yeah, smartass, exactly that good.

***sidenote:  an amazing San Diego company called Cantare makes this tapenade for TJ’s & if you live in LA you can buy a much larger & less expensive portion @ the Culver City Costco…consider it the 1 really good thing about living in LA (well, maybe 1 of 10)…& ask yourselves why Cantare likes SoCal better than those of us up north!

3.     TJ’s Mango & Cream Bars – 3.49

Simply…Oh.  My.  Freaking.  Stars.   Is what I’m experiencing in my mouth for real or am I dreaming the whole thing?  It is & I‘m not.

4.     TJ’s Milk Chocolate Mini Pretzels (3.29)

Chocolate.  Pretzels.  Enough said.  No, wait – mini.

5.     TJ’s Hummus Dip (1.99)

This dip w/ carrots/celery/cucumbers just might replace chips in your life.

6.     TJ’s Organic Low Fat Yogurt Vanana (2.79)

It’s like the moment after you’ve just gotten everything you ever wanted in life…and then you try this yogurt and realize there was one more thing.

7.     TJ’s Salt Water Taffy (1.99)

I flipped in a good way when I saw these on the shelf.  I flipped again when I saw the ingredient list – vegetable based coloring.  Awesome.  I was hoping they’d taste as good as they read.  2 hrs & 1 empty bag later it turns out they do.

8.     TJ’s Roasted Gorgonzola Crackers (1.99)

It’s the kind of good where the box gets empty before you’re ready for it to be and you’re left reaching inside for crackers that won’t be there.

9.     TJ’s Lavender Dryer Bags (3.79)

These little sachets are the best thing ever.  They smell great & you don’t have to use those other freaky sheets w/ all the chemicals.  Drawback; you guessed it; encased in plastic.  I have no idea why.

10.     Bob’s Redmill Ground Flaxseed (2.69)

Just do it.  From this day forward.  2 tbsp‘s – 1 in the AM when you first get up & 1 in the PM after you eat.  Or you can be a baby & sprinkle/bake it into stuff.  Either way, it’s a damn good & easy thing to do for your insides.

…While this list is in no particular order, the tapenade is, by far, one of the most kick ass, delicious food stuffs out there!  No, I don’t own their stock & I didn’t invent it…but I do plan on looking into the stock thing.

…Also, what’s w/ Trader Joe’s excessive to the point of obsessive use of plastic in their vegetable section.  Seriously, set your produce free!.

Check out my next 10 Best… list.

Because I ♥ food & I ♥ my clothes & fitting into them, I also LOVE finding really good workouts that work!

“10 Best Netflix Workouts You Can Do Instantly”