10 Best Distractions Between New The Walking Dead Episodes

Time literally folds in on itself between new Walking Dead episodes…or out on itself…in, out – who cares!  Time does that thing where one week…7 days…24×7=hours (do the math)…takes like…like…way more than one week!  When time between episodes CREEPS – here’s what you can do:

1.  Debating

It’s time-consuming.  It’s engrossing.  Pick a topic.  Form an opinion.  Then create powerful, debate worthy Pro/Con-Walking Dead arguments.  Do zombie toe nails grow?  Pick a side!

2.  Cursing

Curse blue streaks at Walking Dead writers for not making the episodes longer or for making more of them or not creating a non-stop Walking Dead channel that aires new shows every night for the next 3 years forcing said writers to forego personal or social lives.  For 3 years or until I fall in love, get married, and have kids.  Make that 2 years.

3.  Writing

Write your own new episodes.  How bad can they be?  What’s that saying about a million monkeys w/ typewriters in a room & something something Shakespeare?  You’re way better than any typewriting monkey…you probably have a Mac.

4.  Yelling @ Andrea

ANDREA!!!  WHAT the hell are you DOING???  The governor is a capital D-bag!

  • Faaaact:  Governor D-bag pitts Daryl & Merle in a duel to the death (flip side: there’s a 50/50 chance in that scenario that Merl gets dead so…yea!)…& you totally witnessed this.  It’s not like Michonne – the best friend that saved your life – told you second hand & because you’re in love with Gov. D-bag (R) Newbury you choose not to believe her.
  • Faaaact:  You’ve seen his room of Head-Only horrors.
  • Faaaact:  Michonne can’t stand him.  And she’s awesome.

5.  Reading

Read the graphic novels.  Then…look for other zombie related books, shows, poetry, monologues, plays, etc.  Then…read Daisy Fay & The Miracle Man.  No zombies – just a really good story.

6.  Picking Favorites

While I love most of the characters – Rick, Daryl, Maggie, Glenn, Carl, Hershel, Lil’ Asskicker,  my hands down new favorite character is:  Michonne!  Holy crap she’s awesome.  She’s like some awesome combination of Kill Bill & Buffy TVS.  Awesome!

7.  Training

Seriously consider learning how to slice & dice with a katana…by seriously I mean think about how to google that.

8.  Weight-Loss

While everything about a zombie apocalypse is really bad, do you ever wonder how much weight I…you…could lose during such an epidemic…(I’m betting a lot!)…then think about all the clothes I…you…could wear and all the malls I could get those clothes from and…this is easily my favorite distraction

9.  Believing

People say zombies don’t exist, but the minute we stop believing, that’s when the zombies win.

10.  Dance Lessons

Learn the Zydeco-two step.  This has nothing to do with the Walking Dead I just really like the music…wait a minute!  Everything has something to do with zombies.  Now that I think of it…what if…just what if…it turns out to be a natural weapon against The Walking Dead!  Wait, thats from “Mars Attacks!”.     Except I think that was Hank Williams & Country/Blue Grass, not Zydeco.

Yesterday when we got the alert to get inside and close our doors & windows because the air was so toxic it might make you sick for the rest of your life I took a moment to daydream how I might respond to this environmental/health catastrophe if I were rich….hmmm…let me see?

Here are the 10 Best Rich People Responses to the Richmond – Chevron Refinery exploding:

  1. Relocation

  2. Vacation…way elsewhere

  3. In case of accidental Richmond – Chevron Refinery air breathing immediately vacation to Thailand and pay the best of the best of the poor people to “donate” lungs

  4. Not live near, next/adjacent to a refinery – especially Chevron

  5. Not let refinery live near, next/adjacent to them – especially Chevron

  6. Enlist private rocket &/or Rocket/Submarine Combo to the moon

  7. Not get life-long respiratory/asthma related problems which tend to shorten life spans & degrade quality of life

  8. Order minion outside to breathe the air & give the all-clear or pass out.  If minion passes out/stops breathing, get new minion.

  9. Spend the next few months in a really nice hotel w/ great room service nowhere near an exploding refinery

  10. Not get cancer…TOTALLY not get cancer.  Then go shopping.

There isn’t a thing…not one single, solitary hair frizzing thing I don’t like…nay – LOVE/ADORE/WORSHIP about water.

It’s the best (no disrespect to the other elements)!

  1. showers/baths

  2. water parks

  3. brushing teeth with it

  4. water fights

  5. exercising in it

  6. playing in it

  7. drinking it!!!

  8. bumping unsuspecting loved ones into it

  9. listening to it

  10. washing dishes/clothes/my hair with it

    I love/adore/worship/consider sacred everything about it!  All the reasons above and maybe 5 million more are great reasons to conserve it when/where ever you get the chance.

    Always be good to water!  It’s almost always good to you!

Oh how I wish-how I wish Congressman Anthony Weiner (D) NY had been honest from the get go…

…”Yeah, I sent it…it’s a joke.  See, my last name is Weiner…deal with it.”

…but if you can’t understand his moment of panic & subsequent need to fabricate an alternate scenario, then you haven’t turned on a TV in the last 25 years and witnessed the side-show like status of broadcast journalism in America today…uhh thank you, Mr. Murdoch.

That said, should I ever have the chance, I’ll vote for Congressman Anthony Weiner tout suite.

Here are the 10 Best Reasons Why I’d Still Vote for Congressman Anthony Weiner…

…anytime, anywhere, any office…

1.     Because of how hard he fights for comprehensive health care reform.

2.    Because of how hard he fights against giving tax breaks to the “Several Homes Abroad” Crowd.

3.     Because he came out and told the truth…eventually…in the face of all sorts of ensuing drama.

4.     Because he has a great laugh (see Daily Show interview)

5.     Because he’s really funny (see Daily Show interview)

6.     Because of his confidence…I mean, the balls on this guy.  Seriously…as far as I can tell…he’s got some serious balls.

7.     Because his last name is Weiner & he tweeted a pic of his boxer-short clad guy-parts.  That’s high-larious.

As long as he was sending these pics to adult, non-grossed out women, then it’s pretty off the charts stupid funny.

8.     Because his wit, combined w/ his convictions makes for some sharp & insightful commentary.  I hope this unpleasantness doesn’t change that.

9.     Because his “non-scandal” scandal DIDN’T waste a single tax payer dollar.  I mean, he never even called the Capital Police or the FBI to investigate.  Now, that would have pissed me off.

10.    And almost entirely because he stands up for people who don’t own/have access to lobbyists, supreme-court judges, politicians, etc., he does it when there’s nothing in it for him except doing the job he was elected to do.

The only people he needs to apologize to or make things right with include his family…and his family.

Anyone NOT in that group…well, folks, you know what they say:

…you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here…

10 Best Comics Ever

(in the order they came into my head)

1.     Dana Gould

2.     Brian Reagan

3.     Janeane Garofalo

4.     Dave Chappelle

5.     Chris Rock

6.     Wanda Sykes

7.     George Lopez

8.     Ellen DeGeneres

9.     Franklin Ajaye

10.   Aziz Ansari

I would, if I could, give an Honorable Mention to this one guy who did this bit about, “… how his father had changed religions and had gone from being a Christian to a militant Muslim who saw conspiracies everywhere like at X-mas when the beloved fat white man came around and gave all the good kids toys & in the supermarket when his father noticed the green olives were kept in a glass jar while the black olives were in a can…”

…but I won’t, because I can’t…

…because I don’t remember his name.  I can see his face, hear his voice (both extremely funny), but not his name!

…that guy is a comic genius.  That bit is pure gold and despite having ruined it above in my less than stellar re-telling, I’m laughing my ass off just remembering his delivery.

If anyone recognizes the bit above and knows his name…seriously…let me know!

10 Best People to Direct The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins

The Hunger Games (2008) Catching Fire (2009) Mockingjay (2010)

You know what it feels like when you come across a book that is so good?

Special — like you’ve been temporarily gifted with some kind of super power.

You know how you’d feel if you found out there were 2 more like it?

Happy.  Really happy.  No, wait.  Super happy.

Then there’s the feeling you get when that favorite book gets turned into a film & cast as the lead is someone who looks like a cross between Hillary Duff & the Olson Twins?  There’s a word for it…

…Un-special?  De-gifted?  Not good.

Especially not good since that character looks exceedingly not like a Duff/Olson mix.

Here are the 10 Best Directors I think would do absolute justice to Suzanne Collins’ trilogy.

…clearly, I should’ve posted this list sooner as a director has already been selected…

(really would’ve appreciated a memo on that)


1.     Mira Nair —  because of Salaam Bombay (Mumbai) & Monsoon Wedding.

2.    Radha Bharadwaj — because of Closet Land.

3.     Ron Howard — because of Willow.

4.     Kathryn Bigelow — because of Strange Days & The Hurt Locker.

5.     Chris Colombus — because of Harry Potter 1 & 2

6.     Alfonso Cuaron — because of Harry Potter 3

7.     Mike Newell —  because of Harry Potter 4

8.     Ridley Scott — because of most of his films, but especially Alien 1, 2, & 3.

9.    Catherine Hardwicke — because of Twilight & Lords of Dogtown.

10.   Mimi Leder — because of Deep Impact.

Honorable Mentions

11.    Darnell Martin — because of I like it like that & Cadillac Records.

12.    Rob Reiner — because of Stand By Me and The Princess Bride.

35 and Counting… 

1.   For braiding our hair…AND matching the ribbons for school even though you’d just finished an 8-10 hr shift at the plant.

2.   For doing a job that most men couldn’t take for more than an hour so you & dad could buy a house and clothes and bunk beds.

3.   For loving to watch movies in a theater.

4.   For the way you had of saying words like, “whatever” & “maybe” & “I don’t know” & “koota, kunjara”.

5.   For only painting your nails Really Red,  New York Big Apple Red, Ruby Red (all shades of exactly the same color)…because that was YOUR color.

6.   For dealing with the onset of a neurological disorder you had no name for & the doctors still have no cure for the best you could while working, raising 3 girls, & going to every doctor imaginable to get yourself well.

7.   For your motto, “Spend & God Will Send”.

8.   For your epic, legendary, prolific shopping skills which required the creation of the motto.

9.   For succeeding in a foreign country.

10.  For always loving your daughter that stayed away for a long time.

11.   For your perfectly straight, beautiful, cavity-free teeth of which you were deeply…& rightly proud.

12.   For your genuine pleasure in receiving guests and making them feel welcome, well-fed, & honored.

13.   For almost crying the day we took you to the nursing home even though you’d decided you didn’t want to stay home w/ Dad.

14.   For always getting back up after every fall, bruise, cut, sprain, ache, & sore.

15.   For being a fashion plate, always.

16.   For staying with us for 3 extra days when you were ready to go much sooner.

17.   For being so strong, always.

18.   For wanting to come to America so you could ride horses…dressed in full riding gear…& also because you wanted to drive a maroon Chevy Malibu (our first car).

19.   For your answer to my question of whether you believed in reincarnation,  “Whatever.”

20.   For the joy you felt every time you spotted an airplane, bike, train, or boat in the Bollywood films we watched.

21.   For working as a Teamster at a time when a brown woman threatened so many pale males around you and decided to make your life miserable as a result.

22.   For your stunning, breath-catching beauty.

23.   For your grace.

24.   For being a little bit crazy & passing that little bit of crazy on down to your daughters.

25.   For always repeating what you were trying to say what must have felt like a million times when I couldn’t make the words out.

26.    For loving jello & tapioca equally and telling me every time you had one or the other.

27.   For saying no to pureed food even after they had that meeting with us telling us what could happen to you if you didn’t change your diet.

28.   For the guts it took to say no to all conversation about feeding tubes or breathing tubes while knowing full well what that meant.

29.   For your drive, ambition.

30.   For having a full life.

31.   For your soft, soft cheeks which I loved to kiss.  Sometimes you’d laugh, like a kid.  Sometimes you’d say, “Eh!  Why’d you do that?”, irritated, but still like a kid.

32.   For taking a swig of brandy on the advice of nuns you worked with who once told you what to do if your labor pains ever stopped cold…and for my life which your quick thinking and brandy kick started again.

33.   For letting some of those same nuns give me candy in exchange for saying curse words cutely.

34.   For how you said my name that one time on the phone…with so much love and happiness and something else.

35.   For exercising.  Mostly for me.  Sometimes for you…& sometimes just because you wanted a good reason to curse.