10 Best Distractions Between New The Walking Dead Episodes

Time literally folds in on itself between new Walking Dead episodes…or out on itself…in, out – who cares!  Time does that thing where one week…7 days…24×7=hours (do the math)…takes like…like…way more than one week!  When time between episodes CREEPS – here’s what you can do:

1.  Debating

It’s time-consuming.  It’s engrossing.  Pick a topic.  Form an opinion.  Then create powerful, debate worthy Pro/Con-Walking Dead arguments.  Do zombie toe nails grow?  Pick a side!

2.  Cursing

Curse blue streaks at Walking Dead writers for not making the episodes longer or for making more of them or not creating a non-stop Walking Dead channel that aires new shows every night for the next 3 years forcing said writers to forego personal or social lives.  For 3 years or until I fall in love, get married, and have kids.  Make that 2 years.

3.  Writing

Write your own new episodes.  How bad can they be?  What’s that saying about a million monkeys w/ typewriters in a room & something something Shakespeare?  You’re way better than any typewriting monkey…you probably have a Mac.

4.  Yelling @ Andrea

ANDREA!!!  WHAT the hell are you DOING???  The governor is a capital D-bag!

  • Faaaact:  Governor D-bag pitts Daryl & Merle in a duel to the death (flip side: there’s a 50/50 chance in that scenario that Merl gets dead so…yea!)…& you totally witnessed this.  It’s not like Michonne – the best friend that saved your life – told you second hand & because you’re in love with Gov. D-bag (R) Newbury you choose not to believe her.
  • Faaaact:  You’ve seen his room of Head-Only horrors.
  • Faaaact:  Michonne can’t stand him.  And she’s awesome.

5.  Reading

Read the graphic novels.  Then…look for other zombie related books, shows, poetry, monologues, plays, etc.  Then…read Daisy Fay & The Miracle Man.  No zombies – just a really good story.

6.  Picking Favorites

While I love most of the characters – Rick, Daryl, Maggie, Glenn, Carl, Hershel, Lil’ Asskicker,  my hands down new favorite character is:  Michonne!  Holy crap she’s awesome.  She’s like some awesome combination of Kill Bill & Buffy TVS.  Awesome!

7.  Training

Seriously consider learning how to slice & dice with a katana…by seriously I mean think about how to google that.

8.  Weight-Loss

While everything about a zombie apocalypse is really bad, do you ever wonder how much weight I…you…could lose during such an epidemic…(I’m betting a lot!)…then think about all the clothes I…you…could wear and all the malls I could get those clothes from and…this is easily my favorite distraction

9.  Believing

People say zombies don’t exist, but the minute we stop believing, that’s when the zombies win.

10.  Dance Lessons

Learn the Zydeco-two step.  This has nothing to do with the Walking Dead I just really like the music…wait a minute!  Everything has something to do with zombies.  Now that I think of it…what if…just what if…it turns out to be a natural weapon against The Walking Dead!  Wait, thats from “Mars Attacks!”.     Except I think that was Hank Williams & Country/Blue Grass, not Zydeco.


Yesterday when we got the alert to get inside and close our doors & windows because the air was so toxic it might make you sick for the rest of your life I took a moment to daydream how I might respond to this environmental/health catastrophe if I were rich….hmmm…let me see?

Here are the 10 Best Rich People Responses to the Richmond – Chevron Refinery exploding:

  1. Relocation

  2. Vacation…way elsewhere

  3. In case of accidental Richmond – Chevron Refinery air breathing immediately vacation to Thailand and pay the best of the best of the poor people to “donate” lungs

  4. Not live near, next/adjacent to a refinery – especially Chevron

  5. Not let refinery live near, next/adjacent to them – especially Chevron

  6. Enlist private rocket &/or Rocket/Submarine Combo to the moon

  7. Not get life-long respiratory/asthma related problems which tend to shorten life spans & degrade quality of life

  8. Order minion outside to breathe the air & give the all-clear or pass out.  If minion passes out/stops breathing, get new minion.

  9. Spend the next few months in a really nice hotel w/ great room service nowhere near an exploding refinery

  10. Not get cancer…TOTALLY not get cancer.  Then go shopping.

Oh how I wish-how I wish Congressman Anthony Weiner (D) NY had been honest from the get go…

…”Yeah, I sent it…it’s a joke.  See, my last name is Weiner…deal with it.”

…but if you can’t understand his moment of panic & subsequent need to fabricate an alternate scenario, then you haven’t turned on a TV in the last 25 years and witnessed the side-show like status of broadcast journalism in America today…uhh thank you, Mr. Murdoch.

That said, should I ever have the chance, I’ll vote for Congressman Anthony Weiner tout suite.

Here are the 10 Best Reasons Why I’d Still Vote for Congressman Anthony Weiner…

…anytime, anywhere, any office…

1.     Because of how hard he fights for comprehensive health care reform.

2.    Because of how hard he fights against giving tax breaks to the “Several Homes Abroad” Crowd.

3.     Because he came out and told the truth…eventually…in the face of all sorts of ensuing drama.

4.     Because he has a great laugh (see Daily Show interview)

5.     Because he’s really funny (see Daily Show interview)

6.     Because of his confidence…I mean, the balls on this guy.  Seriously…as far as I can tell…he’s got some serious balls.

7.     Because his last name is Weiner & he tweeted a pic of his boxer-short clad guy-parts.  That’s high-larious.

As long as he was sending these pics to adult, non-grossed out women, then it’s pretty off the charts stupid funny.

8.     Because his wit, combined w/ his convictions makes for some sharp & insightful commentary.  I hope this unpleasantness doesn’t change that.

9.     Because his “non-scandal” scandal DIDN’T waste a single tax payer dollar.  I mean, he never even called the Capital Police or the FBI to investigate.  Now, that would have pissed me off.

10.    And almost entirely because he stands up for people who don’t own/have access to lobbyists, supreme-court judges, politicians, etc., he does it when there’s nothing in it for him except doing the job he was elected to do.

The only people he needs to apologize to or make things right with include his family…and his family.

Anyone NOT in that group…well, folks, you know what they say:

…you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here…

10 Best Comics Ever

(in the order they came into my head)

1.     Dana Gould

2.     Brian Reagan

3.     Janeane Garofalo

4.     Dave Chappelle

5.     Chris Rock

6.     Wanda Sykes

7.     George Lopez

8.     Ellen DeGeneres

9.     Franklin Ajaye

10.   Aziz Ansari

I would, if I could, give an Honorable Mention to this one guy who did this bit about, “… how his father had changed religions and had gone from being a Christian to a militant Muslim who saw conspiracies everywhere like at X-mas when the beloved fat white man came around and gave all the good kids toys & in the supermarket when his father noticed the green olives were kept in a glass jar while the black olives were in a can…”

…but I won’t, because I can’t…

…because I don’t remember his name.  I can see his face, hear his voice (both extremely funny), but not his name!

…that guy is a comic genius.  That bit is pure gold and despite having ruined it above in my less than stellar re-telling, I’m laughing my ass off just remembering his delivery.

If anyone recognizes the bit above and knows his name…seriously…let me know!

Here are the 10 Best Reasons to NOT own a cell phone

1.     Generally speaking, you’ll seem a lot less douchy.

2.     No tumors.

3.     Higher sperm count for the gentlemen.

4.     Because you’re pretty fond & even kind of braggy about all those brain cells of yours.

5.     Do it for the bees!  The entire bee population as we know it has stopped hooking up w/ flowers!  Did you get that?  Bees aren’t making it w/ plants anymore!!! Cell phones might be the reason bees can’t find their way back to their hives…the reason they stop making honey!

And…well…a world w/out honey…is it even worth it?

6.     Read The Cell by Stephen King (no…it’s not the same as the J-Lo film)…how does avoiding a nasty, bloody, horrible, way dictatarian, insanity inducing plague strike you?  You can count me out.

7.     You won’t get beaten up at the movies anymore because you “forgot” to turn off your cell & decided to take a call despite being in a darkened movie theatre where everyone else is trying to watch Paranormal Activity and be scared while you talk in your outside voice to some other giant douche who’s probably doing the same.

8.     Because the last time your car broke down on a deserted road @ night near a bunch of mutant mountain people or zombies and you needed your cell phone to call for help was never.

9.     You’re way better looking without it.

10.     Because of all the good karma points you’ll rack up by NOT driving while being a giant douche (i.e. driving too slowly because you’re on your cell talking/texting/being a douche)…in your next life, you’ll get to come back taller & with a naturally fast metabolism…promise!

The 10 Best X-Files Episodes…Ever:

I know!  It’s off the air!  However, I never saw the “Exit David Duchoveny, Enter Robert Patrick” seasons.  Until now.  &…

the truth is out there

and it’s on Netflix…all 9 seasons.

here are the 10 best…best as in funniest, creepiest, coolest……episodes EVER…

Thanks to the following:

CHRIS Carter.   DARIN Morgan.   VINCE Gilligan.   HOWARD Gordon.   KIM Manners.   JAMES Wong.   GLEN Morgan

1.     Every Episode w/ Robert Patrick (S8, S9)

I’ve never been MORE wrong about a “switch-0ut”.  This guy rocked the last 2 seasons of the X-files.

His chemistry with Scully was so off the charts great…let’s just say it’s a shame she was pregnant with Mulder’s half alien baby at the time.

2.     War of the Coprophages (S3, E12)

Scully gets jealous over a lady bug doctor (entamologist) named Bambi — enough said.

3.     Humbug (S2, E20)

Mulder & Scully and a circus sideshow.  Watch it.

4.     Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose (S3, E4)

Peter Boyle is the man.  So is the writer of this episode…Darin Morgan.

5.     Quagmire (S3, E22)

A tiny dog gets eaten by a giant-mutant alligator.  Not the usual hard-core X-Files “Aliens taking over the planet/stole my baby/cloning humans to create a race of super soldiers/colonizing us,” episodes.

6.     Home (S4, E2)

easily one of the sickest, creepiest, freakiest, disturbing-est, perturbing-est, scariest, most discomforting, unseemly, at times…unwatchable, “can’t believe I’m seeing this on television” episodes ever — IT WAS THE BEST!

7.     Unruhe (S4, E4)

it’s Silence of the Lambs/Dr. Lechter scary without any lambs, chianti, slurping, or fava beans — this has a scary guy with crazy eyes and a lobotomizing nose pick.

8.     Never Again (S4, E13)

1st and last time you see that Scully has a wild, one-nighter, tatts/bikers side — that & she doesn’t have a desk in that basement office…not cool!

9.     Small Potatoes (S4, E20)

the funniest x-files ever – you get to see pretend-Mulder put the moves on Scully and she’s so pleasantly wined up, she doesn’t say no.

10.      Bad Blood (S5, E12)

love this episode due to the vampires, the accents, the sherif (Luke Wilson…so good as Lucious Harwell there should’ve been a spin-off), the separate Scully/Mulder versions, and the start to finish HIGH-lariousness.

You also find out Mulder’s a totally abysmal tipper/cheap bastard…NOT attractive.

Honorable Mention:

11.     Triangle (S6, E3)

Mulder plants one on Scully (kisses her) and she goes Sista’ Soldja on him (punches him).

12.     Dreamland I & II (S6, E4-5)

Funny I & Funny II thanks in large part to Spinal Tap guy…Michael McKeean

13.     How the Ghosts Stole Christmas (S6, E6)

Lily Tomlin.  Ed Asner.  They play a couple of horrid, bitter, goulish, ghosts.  They’re great.

14.     Arcadia (S6, E15)

Finally…an X-files where Mulder & Scully have to pretend to be a couple.

15.     Milagro (S6, E18)

A writer, madly in-love w/ Scully, yet pretty demented…oh…& he has the power to make real what he writes.  Plus, a jealous Mulder.

16.     Sein und Zeit Pt. 1 (S7, E10), Closure Pt. 2 (S7, E11)

You’re gonna’ cry.  Think NYPD Blue.  The episode where Jimmy Smits’ character dies…And Buffy The Vampire Slayer.  The episode where her mom dies.  And Mash.  The episode where the helicoptor explodes & the people inside…well, die.

10 Best Animal Planet Shows That’ll Make You Very Afraid…of Animals.

It used to be you’d tune into Animal Planet and you’d get a show that made you learn and subsequently, love animals.

Not anymore.  Seems to be a new sheriff in town…with a crazy, new mission statement no less:

Be Afraid…Be VERY Afraid. 

Here are 10 real Animal Planet programs available for your viewing pleasure…

…or terror:

#1     River Monsters

The dvd cover contains the picture of a mutant-monster fish w/ zombie-FANGS.

#2     I’m Alive!

An animal attacked you, you lived, and you’ve been eating out on that story ever since.

#3     I Shouldn’t Be Alive

Not the same as #2…it’s a completely different show about animals and people getting too close.

#4     Monsters Inside Me

Sounds like a fun 1/2 hour.

#5     Fatal Attractions

I don’t even know.

#6     Blood Dolphins

Do dolphin’s have a time of the month?

#7     Pitbulls & Parolees

I bet there’s a Michael Vick segment.

#8     The Haunted

If you’re such a bad pet owner that your dead pet decides to come back & haunt you instead of a sausage factory…well, you probably have it coming.

#9     Killer Aliens

Killer aliens???

#10     Untamed & Uncut

Live footage of scary animals being animals…also stuff that didn’t make it onto #2 or #3.

Honorable Mention:

1.     Hillbilly Hand Fishin’

If that means what I think it means…forget it — I’m afraid…very afraid.

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