10 Best Distractions Between New The Walking Dead Episodes

Time literally folds in on itself between new Walking Dead episodes…or out on itself…in, out – who cares!  Time does that thing where one week…7 days…24×7=hours (do the math)…takes like…like…way more than one week!  When time between episodes CREEPS – here’s what you can do:

1.  Debating

It’s time-consuming.  It’s engrossing.  Pick a topic.  Form an opinion.  Then create powerful, debate worthy Pro/Con-Walking Dead arguments.  Do zombie toe nails grow?  Pick a side!

2.  Cursing

Curse blue streaks at Walking Dead writers for not making the episodes longer or for making more of them or not creating a non-stop Walking Dead channel that aires new shows every night for the next 3 years forcing said writers to forego personal or social lives.  For 3 years or until I fall in love, get married, and have kids.  Make that 2 years.

3.  Writing

Write your own new episodes.  How bad can they be?  What’s that saying about a million monkeys w/ typewriters in a room & something something Shakespeare?  You’re way better than any typewriting monkey…you probably have a Mac.

4.  Yelling @ Andrea

ANDREA!!!  WHAT the hell are you DOING???  The governor is a capital D-bag!

  • Faaaact:  Governor D-bag pitts Daryl & Merle in a duel to the death (flip side: there’s a 50/50 chance in that scenario that Merl gets dead so…yea!)…& you totally witnessed this.  It’s not like Michonne – the best friend that saved your life – told you second hand & because you’re in love with Gov. D-bag (R) Newbury you choose not to believe her.
  • Faaaact:  You’ve seen his room of Head-Only horrors.
  • Faaaact:  Michonne can’t stand him.  And she’s awesome.

5.  Reading

Read the graphic novels.  Then…look for other zombie related books, shows, poetry, monologues, plays, etc.  Then…read Daisy Fay & The Miracle Man.  No zombies – just a really good story.

6.  Picking Favorites

While I love most of the characters – Rick, Daryl, Maggie, Glenn, Carl, Hershel, Lil’ Asskicker,  my hands down new favorite character is:  Michonne!  Holy crap she’s awesome.  She’s like some awesome combination of Kill Bill & Buffy TVS.  Awesome!

7.  Training

Seriously consider learning how to slice & dice with a katana…by seriously I mean think about how to google that.

8.  Weight-Loss

While everything about a zombie apocalypse is really bad, do you ever wonder how much weight I…you…could lose during such an epidemic…(I’m betting a lot!)…then think about all the clothes I…you…could wear and all the malls I could get those clothes from and…this is easily my favorite distraction

9.  Believing

People say zombies don’t exist, but the minute we stop believing, that’s when the zombies win.

10.  Dance Lessons

Learn the Zydeco-two step.  This has nothing to do with the Walking Dead I just really like the music…wait a minute!  Everything has something to do with zombies.  Now that I think of it…what if…just what if…it turns out to be a natural weapon against The Walking Dead!  Wait, thats from “Mars Attacks!”.     Except I think that was Hank Williams & Country/Blue Grass, not Zydeco.

Here are the 10 Best Reasons to NOT own a cell phone


1.     Generally speaking, you’ll seem a lot less douchy.

2.     No tumors.

3.     Higher sperm count for the gentlemen.

4.     Because you’re pretty fond & even kind of braggy about all those brain cells of yours.

5.     Do it for the bees!  The entire bee population as we know it has stopped hooking up w/ flowers!  Did you get that?  Bees aren’t making it w/ plants anymore!!! Cell phones might be the reason bees can’t find their way back to their hives…the reason they stop making honey!

And…well…a world w/out honey…is it even worth it?

6.     Read The Cell by Stephen King (no…it’s not the same as the J-Lo film)…how does avoiding a nasty, bloody, horrible, way dictatarian, insanity inducing plague strike you?  You can count me out.

7.     You won’t get beaten up at the movies anymore because you “forgot” to turn off your cell & decided to take a call despite being in a darkened movie theatre where everyone else is trying to watch Paranormal Activity and be scared while you talk in your outside voice to some other giant douche who’s probably doing the same.

8.     Because the last time your car broke down on a deserted road @ night near a bunch of mutant mountain people or zombies and you needed your cell phone to call for help was never.

9.     You’re way better looking without it.

10.     Because of all the good karma points you’ll rack up by NOT driving while being a giant douche (i.e. driving too slowly because you’re on your cell talking/texting/being a douche)…in your next life, you’ll get to come back taller & with a naturally fast metabolism…promise!