10 Best Distractions Between New The Walking Dead Episodes

Time literally folds in on itself between new Walking Dead episodes…or out on itself…in, out – who cares!  Time does that thing where one week…7 days…24×7=hours (do the math)…takes like…like…way more than one week!  When time between episodes CREEPS – here’s what you can do:

1.  Debating

It’s time-consuming.  It’s engrossing.  Pick a topic.  Form an opinion.  Then create powerful, debate worthy Pro/Con-Walking Dead arguments.  Do zombie toe nails grow?  Pick a side!

2.  Cursing

Curse blue streaks at Walking Dead writers for not making the episodes longer or for making more of them or not creating a non-stop Walking Dead channel that aires new shows every night for the next 3 years forcing said writers to forego personal or social lives.  For 3 years or until I fall in love, get married, and have kids.  Make that 2 years.

3.  Writing

Write your own new episodes.  How bad can they be?  What’s that saying about a million monkeys w/ typewriters in a room & something something Shakespeare?  You’re way better than any typewriting monkey…you probably have a Mac.

4.  Yelling @ Andrea

ANDREA!!!  WHAT the hell are you DOING???  The governor is a capital D-bag!

  • Faaaact:  Governor D-bag pitts Daryl & Merle in a duel to the death (flip side: there’s a 50/50 chance in that scenario that Merl gets dead so…yea!)…& you totally witnessed this.  It’s not like Michonne – the best friend that saved your life – told you second hand & because you’re in love with Gov. D-bag (R) Newbury you choose not to believe her.
  • Faaaact:  You’ve seen his room of Head-Only horrors.
  • Faaaact:  Michonne can’t stand him.  And she’s awesome.

5.  Reading

Read the graphic novels.  Then…look for other zombie related books, shows, poetry, monologues, plays, etc.  Then…read Daisy Fay & The Miracle Man.  No zombies – just a really good story.

6.  Picking Favorites

While I love most of the characters – Rick, Daryl, Maggie, Glenn, Carl, Hershel, Lil’ Asskicker,  my hands down new favorite character is:  Michonne!  Holy crap she’s awesome.  She’s like some awesome combination of Kill Bill & Buffy TVS.  Awesome!

7.  Training

Seriously consider learning how to slice & dice with a katana…by seriously I mean think about how to google that.

8.  Weight-Loss

While everything about a zombie apocalypse is really bad, do you ever wonder how much weight I…you…could lose during such an epidemic…(I’m betting a lot!)…then think about all the clothes I…you…could wear and all the malls I could get those clothes from and…this is easily my favorite distraction

9.  Believing

People say zombies don’t exist, but the minute we stop believing, that’s when the zombies win.

10.  Dance Lessons

Learn the Zydeco-two step.  This has nothing to do with the Walking Dead I just really like the music…wait a minute!  Everything has something to do with zombies.  Now that I think of it…what if…just what if…it turns out to be a natural weapon against The Walking Dead!  Wait, thats from “Mars Attacks!”.     Except I think that was Hank Williams & Country/Blue Grass, not Zydeco.


There isn’t a thing…not one single, solitary hair frizzing thing I don’t like…nay – LOVE/ADORE/WORSHIP about water.

It’s the best (no disrespect to the other elements)!

  1. showers/baths

  2. water parks

  3. brushing teeth with it

  4. water fights

  5. exercising in it

  6. playing in it

  7. drinking it!!!

  8. bumping unsuspecting loved ones into it

  9. listening to it

  10. washing dishes/clothes/my hair with it

    I love/adore/worship/consider sacred everything about it!  All the reasons above and maybe 5 million more are great reasons to conserve it when/where ever you get the chance.

    Always be good to water!  It’s almost always good to you!

10 Best Comics Ever

(in the order they came into my head)

1.     Dana Gould

2.     Brian Reagan

3.     Janeane Garofalo

4.     Dave Chappelle

5.     Chris Rock

6.     Wanda Sykes

7.     George Lopez

8.     Ellen DeGeneres

9.     Franklin Ajaye

10.   Aziz Ansari

I would, if I could, give an Honorable Mention to this one guy who did this bit about, “… how his father had changed religions and had gone from being a Christian to a militant Muslim who saw conspiracies everywhere like at X-mas when the beloved fat white man came around and gave all the good kids toys & in the supermarket when his father noticed the green olives were kept in a glass jar while the black olives were in a can…”

…but I won’t, because I can’t…

…because I don’t remember his name.  I can see his face, hear his voice (both extremely funny), but not his name!

…that guy is a comic genius.  That bit is pure gold and despite having ruined it above in my less than stellar re-telling, I’m laughing my ass off just remembering his delivery.

If anyone recognizes the bit above and knows his name…seriously…let me know!

10 Best People to Direct The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins

The Hunger Games (2008) Catching Fire (2009) Mockingjay (2010)

You know what it feels like when you come across a book that is so good?

Special — like you’ve been temporarily gifted with some kind of super power.

You know how you’d feel if you found out there were 2 more like it?

Happy.  Really happy.  No, wait.  Super happy.

Then there’s the feeling you get when that favorite book gets turned into a film & cast as the lead is someone who looks like a cross between Hillary Duff & the Olson Twins?  There’s a word for it…

…Un-special?  De-gifted?  Not good.

Especially not good since that character looks exceedingly not like a Duff/Olson mix.

Here are the 10 Best Directors I think would do absolute justice to Suzanne Collins’ trilogy.

…clearly, I should’ve posted this list sooner as a director has already been selected…

(really would’ve appreciated a memo on that)

1.     Mira Nair —  because of Salaam Bombay (Mumbai) & Monsoon Wedding.

2.    Radha Bharadwaj — because of Closet Land.

3.     Ron Howard — because of Willow.

4.     Kathryn Bigelow — because of Strange Days & The Hurt Locker.

5.     Chris Colombus — because of Harry Potter 1 & 2

6.     Alfonso Cuaron — because of Harry Potter 3

7.     Mike Newell —  because of Harry Potter 4

8.     Ridley Scott — because of most of his films, but especially Alien 1, 2, & 3.

9.    Catherine Hardwicke — because of Twilight & Lords of Dogtown.

10.   Mimi Leder — because of Deep Impact.

Honorable Mentions

11.    Darnell Martin — because of I like it like that & Cadillac Records.

12.    Rob Reiner — because of Stand By Me and The Princess Bride.

10 Best Songs by the Dixie Chicks

I never thought of myself as a country music fan.  Then I took a look at my CD’s:

Mary Chapin Carpenter   Dolly Parton Dwight Yoakam   Trisha Yearwood Johnny Cash   Shania Twain…

& the Dixie Chicks

Turns out I’m a fan.

The songs below are especially great for when you’re in the mood to sing along @ the top of your lungs…you know, when you’re in a car, in the shower, or just not anywhere near people w/ ears.

***warning:  possible side effect:  your speech may take on a slight to SEVERE southern accent which should dissipate on its own within 24-48 hrs.

It’s actually pretty acute…pun intended***

1.     The Long Way Around

if you’re one of the “long way ’round” folks — this song will make you cry every time you hear it

2.    If I Fall You’re Going Down With Me

7 times…that’s how long it takes to memorize it

3.     Goodbye Earl

a really good song; also guaranteed to inspire, warm your heart, put a smile on your face, & a wink in your eye…all the Earl’s of the world should hear it

4.     Girl I Could Fall For A Boy Like That / A              Heart That Can

you won’t find these songs on itunes…try youtube; they’re totally worth it

5.     Truth No. 2

truth is…it’s really good

6.     There’s Your Trouble

i never get tired of singing this song

7.     Am I The Only One (Who’s Ever Felt This Way)

8.     Heartbreak Town

9.     Lullaby

you just can’t not love this song…not possible…oh, unless you hate lullabys.

10.    Loving Arms

Here are the 10 Best Reasons to NOT own a cell phone

1.     Generally speaking, you’ll seem a lot less douchy.

2.     No tumors.

3.     Higher sperm count for the gentlemen.

4.     Because you’re pretty fond & even kind of braggy about all those brain cells of yours.

5.     Do it for the bees!  The entire bee population as we know it has stopped hooking up w/ flowers!  Did you get that?  Bees aren’t making it w/ plants anymore!!! Cell phones might be the reason bees can’t find their way back to their hives…the reason they stop making honey!

And…well…a world w/out honey…is it even worth it?

6.     Read The Cell by Stephen King (no…it’s not the same as the J-Lo film)…how does avoiding a nasty, bloody, horrible, way dictatarian, insanity inducing plague strike you?  You can count me out.

7.     You won’t get beaten up at the movies anymore because you “forgot” to turn off your cell & decided to take a call despite being in a darkened movie theatre where everyone else is trying to watch Paranormal Activity and be scared while you talk in your outside voice to some other giant douche who’s probably doing the same.

8.     Because the last time your car broke down on a deserted road @ night near a bunch of mutant mountain people or zombies and you needed your cell phone to call for help was never.

9.     You’re way better looking without it.

10.     Because of all the good karma points you’ll rack up by NOT driving while being a giant douche (i.e. driving too slowly because you’re on your cell talking/texting/being a douche)…in your next life, you’ll get to come back taller & with a naturally fast metabolism…promise!

10 Best Animal Planet Shows That’ll Make You Very Afraid…of Animals.

It used to be you’d tune into Animal Planet and you’d get a show that made you learn and subsequently, love animals.

Not anymore.  Seems to be a new sheriff in town…with a crazy, new mission statement no less:

Be Afraid…Be VERY Afraid. 

Here are 10 real Animal Planet programs available for your viewing pleasure…

…or terror:

#1     River Monsters

The dvd cover contains the picture of a mutant-monster fish w/ zombie-FANGS.

#2     I’m Alive!

An animal attacked you, you lived, and you’ve been eating out on that story ever since.

#3     I Shouldn’t Be Alive

Not the same as #2…it’s a completely different show about animals and people getting too close.

#4     Monsters Inside Me

Sounds like a fun 1/2 hour.

#5     Fatal Attractions

I don’t even know.

#6     Blood Dolphins

Do dolphin’s have a time of the month?

#7     Pitbulls & Parolees

I bet there’s a Michael Vick segment.

#8     The Haunted

If you’re such a bad pet owner that your dead pet decides to come back & haunt you instead of a sausage factory…well, you probably have it coming.

#9     Killer Aliens

Killer aliens???

#10     Untamed & Uncut

Live footage of scary animals being animals…also stuff that didn’t make it onto #2 or #3.

Honorable Mention:

1.     Hillbilly Hand Fishin’

If that means what I think it means…forget it — I’m afraid…very afraid.