10 Best Distractions Between New The Walking Dead Episodes

Time literally folds in on itself between new Walking Dead episodes…or out on itself…in, out – who cares!  Time does that thing where one week…7 days…24×7=hours (do the math)…takes like…like…way more than one week!  When time between episodes CREEPS – here’s what you can do:

1.  Debating

It’s time-consuming.  It’s engrossing.  Pick a topic.  Form an opinion.  Then create powerful, debate worthy Pro/Con-Walking Dead arguments.  Do zombie toe nails grow?  Pick a side!

2.  Cursing

Curse blue streaks at Walking Dead writers for not making the episodes longer or for making more of them or not creating a non-stop Walking Dead channel that aires new shows every night for the next 3 years forcing said writers to forego personal or social lives.  For 3 years or until I fall in love, get married, and have kids.  Make that 2 years.

3.  Writing

Write your own new episodes.  How bad can they be?  What’s that saying about a million monkeys w/ typewriters in a room & something something Shakespeare?  You’re way better than any typewriting monkey…you probably have a Mac.

4.  Yelling @ Andrea

ANDREA!!!  WHAT the hell are you DOING???  The governor is a capital D-bag!

  • Faaaact:  Governor D-bag pitts Daryl & Merle in a duel to the death (flip side: there’s a 50/50 chance in that scenario that Merl gets dead so…yea!)…& you totally witnessed this.  It’s not like Michonne – the best friend that saved your life – told you second hand & because you’re in love with Gov. D-bag (R) Newbury you choose not to believe her.
  • Faaaact:  You’ve seen his room of Head-Only horrors.
  • Faaaact:  Michonne can’t stand him.  And she’s awesome.

5.  Reading

Read the graphic novels.  Then…look for other zombie related books, shows, poetry, monologues, plays, etc.  Then…read Daisy Fay & The Miracle Man.  No zombies – just a really good story.

6.  Picking Favorites

While I love most of the characters – Rick, Daryl, Maggie, Glenn, Carl, Hershel, Lil’ Asskicker,  my hands down new favorite character is:  Michonne!  Holy crap she’s awesome.  She’s like some awesome combination of Kill Bill & Buffy TVS.  Awesome!

7.  Training

Seriously consider learning how to slice & dice with a katana…by seriously I mean think about how to google that.

8.  Weight-Loss

While everything about a zombie apocalypse is really bad, do you ever wonder how much weight I…you…could lose during such an epidemic…(I’m betting a lot!)…then think about all the clothes I…you…could wear and all the malls I could get those clothes from and…this is easily my favorite distraction

9.  Believing

People say zombies don’t exist, but the minute we stop believing, that’s when the zombies win.

10.  Dance Lessons

Learn the Zydeco-two step.  This has nothing to do with the Walking Dead I just really like the music…wait a minute!  Everything has something to do with zombies.  Now that I think of it…what if…just what if…it turns out to be a natural weapon against The Walking Dead!  Wait, thats from “Mars Attacks!”.     Except I think that was Hank Williams & Country/Blue Grass, not Zydeco.

10 Best Comics Ever

(in the order they came into my head)

1.     Dana Gould

2.     Brian Reagan

3.     Janeane Garofalo

4.     Dave Chappelle

5.     Chris Rock

6.     Wanda Sykes

7.     George Lopez

8.     Ellen DeGeneres

9.     Franklin Ajaye

10.   Aziz Ansari

I would, if I could, give an Honorable Mention to this one guy who did this bit about, “… how his father had changed religions and had gone from being a Christian to a militant Muslim who saw conspiracies everywhere like at X-mas when the beloved fat white man came around and gave all the good kids toys & in the supermarket when his father noticed the green olives were kept in a glass jar while the black olives were in a can…”

…but I won’t, because I can’t…

…because I don’t remember his name.  I can see his face, hear his voice (both extremely funny), but not his name!

…that guy is a comic genius.  That bit is pure gold and despite having ruined it above in my less than stellar re-telling, I’m laughing my ass off just remembering his delivery.

If anyone recognizes the bit above and knows his name…seriously…let me know!

10 Best Songs by the Dixie Chicks

I never thought of myself as a country music fan.  Then I took a look at my CD’s:


Mary Chapin Carpenter   Dolly Parton Dwight Yoakam   Trisha Yearwood Johnny Cash   Shania Twain…


& the Dixie Chicks

Turns out I’m a fan.


The songs below are especially great for when you’re in the mood to sing along @ the top of your lungs…you know, when you’re in a car, in the shower, or just not anywhere near people w/ ears.

***warning:  possible side effect:  your speech may take on a slight to SEVERE southern accent which should dissipate on its own within 24-48 hrs.

It’s actually pretty acute…pun intended***


1.     The Long Way Around

if you’re one of the “long way ’round” folks — this song will make you cry every time you hear it

2.    If I Fall You’re Going Down With Me

7 times…that’s how long it takes to memorize it

3.     Goodbye Earl

a really good song; also guaranteed to inspire, warm your heart, put a smile on your face, & a wink in your eye…all the Earl’s of the world should hear it

4.     Girl I Could Fall For A Boy Like That / A              Heart That Can

you won’t find these songs on itunes…try youtube; they’re totally worth it

5.     Truth No. 2

truth is…it’s really good

6.     There’s Your Trouble

i never get tired of singing this song

7.     Am I The Only One (Who’s Ever Felt This Way)

8.     Heartbreak Town

9.     Lullaby

you just can’t not love this song…not possible…oh, unless you hate lullabys.

10.    Loving Arms

Here are the 10 Best Reasons to NOT own a cell phone


1.     Generally speaking, you’ll seem a lot less douchy.

2.     No tumors.

3.     Higher sperm count for the gentlemen.

4.     Because you’re pretty fond & even kind of braggy about all those brain cells of yours.

5.     Do it for the bees!  The entire bee population as we know it has stopped hooking up w/ flowers!  Did you get that?  Bees aren’t making it w/ plants anymore!!! Cell phones might be the reason bees can’t find their way back to their hives…the reason they stop making honey!

And…well…a world w/out honey…is it even worth it?

6.     Read The Cell by Stephen King (no…it’s not the same as the J-Lo film)…how does avoiding a nasty, bloody, horrible, way dictatarian, insanity inducing plague strike you?  You can count me out.

7.     You won’t get beaten up at the movies anymore because you “forgot” to turn off your cell & decided to take a call despite being in a darkened movie theatre where everyone else is trying to watch Paranormal Activity and be scared while you talk in your outside voice to some other giant douche who’s probably doing the same.

8.     Because the last time your car broke down on a deserted road @ night near a bunch of mutant mountain people or zombies and you needed your cell phone to call for help was never.

9.     You’re way better looking without it.

10.     Because of all the good karma points you’ll rack up by NOT driving while being a giant douche (i.e. driving too slowly because you’re on your cell talking/texting/being a douche)…in your next life, you’ll get to come back taller & with a naturally fast metabolism…promise!

10 Best Animal Planet Shows That’ll Make You Very Afraid…of Animals.

It used to be you’d tune into Animal Planet and you’d get a show that made you learn and subsequently, love animals.

Not anymore.  Seems to be a new sheriff in town…with a crazy, new mission statement no less:

Be Afraid…Be VERY Afraid. 

Here are 10 real Animal Planet programs available for your viewing pleasure…

…or terror:


#1     River Monsters

The dvd cover contains the picture of a mutant-monster fish w/ zombie-FANGS.


#2     I’m Alive!

An animal attacked you, you lived, and you’ve been eating out on that story ever since.


#3     I Shouldn’t Be Alive

Not the same as #2…it’s a completely different show about animals and people getting too close.


#4     Monsters Inside Me

Sounds like a fun 1/2 hour.


#5     Fatal Attractions

I don’t even know.


#6     Blood Dolphins

Do dolphin’s have a time of the month?


#7     Pitbulls & Parolees

I bet there’s a Michael Vick segment.


#8     The Haunted

If you’re such a bad pet owner that your dead pet decides to come back & haunt you instead of a sausage factory…well, you probably have it coming.


#9     Killer Aliens

Killer aliens???


#10     Untamed & Uncut

Live footage of scary animals being animals…also stuff that didn’t make it onto #2 or #3.

Honorable Mention:

1.     Hillbilly Hand Fishin’

If that means what I think it means…forget it — I’m afraid…very afraid.

10 Best Ways to Distract Yourself on BART w/out a…

cell phone

i-thing

game-thing

etc!


That’s right.  I found myself on BART w/out any of the above.

Making matters infinitely, off-the-charts worse is that I also forgot my book!  I was half way through Howl’s Moving Castle (soooo good!…& no, I’m not a young adult…but I am reading The Hunger Games next).

My journey (East Bay to SF/SF to East Bay) could have been the longest, most soul-sucking hours of my life.  Could have.  If not for my trusty pen & notebook.


This is what to do in that situation 10 Best list:


1.     Pen/cil.  Paper.  Stick figures. What can’t you make them do?

2.     Breathe (fresh breath only), then draw on window.  Voila…Condensation Art.

3.     Unintentionally make eye contact w/ the same person about 11 times until you both think the other is a psycho.

4.     Discover a passenger reading The World According to Garp and see if you can tell by looking at their face if they’ve just gotten to a tragic part.

5.     When not in tunnel mode, look @ all the houses & wonder when and if you’ll ever be able to afford one.  Then send out a special curse to the golden parachute crowd @ Goldman Sachs, AIG, & cohorts in which they are left w/ nothing more than a studio apt. & maybe a bus pass…okay, forget the bus pass.  Those thugs can walk!

6.     Devise additional, semi-inappropriate punishment scenarios for Goldman Sachs, et a.  Careful, there is a downside.  Not only can it take up all your travel time, but you might also miss your stop.

7.      Consider televising #6.

8.     Comment/Review on footwear of other passengers – see if you can find a guy in tasseled, Italian loafers w/ no socks and laugh at him.

9.     Roll your eyes @ the passenger currently using all the items you don’t have simultaneously and seriously question whether she’s a fulfilled individual or not…then when you notice the really cool game she’s playing on her game thing…realize she probably isn’t UNLESS she gives you a turn.

10.   Write a story. It won’t kill you.

(b/t/w – these workouts that everyone liked & were really usefull are NO longer available on Netflix instant play…way to go geniuses)

The 10 Best Netflix “Instant-Play” workouts…

…because I dropped my gym membership…

…because I still want/need a really good* workout…

…because I have a Netflix account…

*really good = effective/not boring/good music


1.     10 Minute Solution: Kickbox Bootcamp (55 min) – Keli Roberts
hard w/o; fresh routine; decent music = not boring at all & I felt it!


2.     Trainer’s Edge: Killer Abs & Back (40 min) – Michael Olajide
it’s hard!…but works; good music; do it all the way thru & you’ll feel it the next few days

3.     Tummy Tone Party Zone (56 min) – Marie Forleo
you’re wiped by the end; remember to keep your abs tight

4.     Crunch:  CardioSalsa (39 min) – Giselle Roque de Escobar ***
hard to follow 1/2 way in, but a damn good w/o

5.     10 Minute Solution: Pilates (57 min) – Lara Hudson  do it all the way through; a tough w/o – you’ll feel wrung out, wrecked, stretched, toned, & drenched by the end   

6.     Pick Your Level:  Weight Loss Pilates (35 min) – Ellen Barrett
wish it was longer; hard w/o; music kept me going

7.     10 Minute Solution:  Fat Blasting Dance Mix (54 min) – Jennifer Gillardi
really fun/hard routine; really good ab section

8.     10 Minute Solution:  Rapid Results Pilates (56 min) – Lara Hudson
she is not playing…tough w/o; new moves I’d never seen (love that) & effective!


9.     Dance Off the Inches: Fat Burning Jam (36 min) – Michelle Dozois
good dance/cardio & use of hips – 2 things I love; had me sweating; wish it was longer

10.     Crunch:  Burn & Firm Pilates (48 min) – Ellen Barrett
new moves: hard w/o; good music; really works abs & thighs

***you might need to watch it once to learn the routines before doing the workout…or I’m just slow.

likes:
you can do them when ever & where ever
out of 43 Instant Play w/o’s, I really like 26 which is a lot
dislikes:
no new workouts added since 12/09
8 or 9 workout’s look really lame

no longer available updates:   Was #5…Jennifer Kries:  Perfect Mix (60 min) – Jennifer Kries ***   unexpected, really good cardio; hard to follow

!!!Totally Unnecessary Disclaimer!!!:
I am so NOT a professional fitness instructor, nutritionist, horse trainer, hockey coach, wellness anything, doctor of any kind (coulda’/woulda’ if I’d wanted to, but can’t stand sight of blood), any one trained or certified to help you lose weight or train to get into shape or train to lose weight or any of the above…I could probably tell you if you’ve lost weight, but we’d need a scale & your prior weight.  I’m someone who knows a good w/o when she sees one.  Period. I’ve seen enough to know you should check w/ an actual degree carrying doctor before doing any workout program…SO DO THAT…& enjoy!