10 Best Songs by the Dixie Chicks

I never thought of myself as a country music fan.  Then I took a look at my CD’s:


Mary Chapin Carpenter   Dolly Parton Dwight Yoakam   Trisha Yearwood Johnny Cash   Shania Twain…


& the Dixie Chicks

Turns out I’m a fan.


The songs below are especially great for when you’re in the mood to sing along @ the top of your lungs…you know, when you’re in a car, in the shower, or just not anywhere near people w/ ears.

***warning:  possible side effect:  your speech may take on a slight to SEVERE southern accent which should dissipate on its own within 24-48 hrs.

It’s actually pretty acute…pun intended***


1.     The Long Way Around

if you’re one of the “long way ’round” folks — this song will make you cry every time you hear it

2.    If I Fall You’re Going Down With Me

7 times…that’s how long it takes to memorize it

3.     Goodbye Earl

a really good song; also guaranteed to inspire, warm your heart, put a smile on your face, & a wink in your eye…all the Earl’s of the world should hear it

4.     Girl I Could Fall For A Boy Like That / A              Heart That Can

you won’t find these songs on itunes…try youtube; they’re totally worth it

5.     Truth No. 2

truth is…it’s really good

6.     There’s Your Trouble

i never get tired of singing this song

7.     Am I The Only One (Who’s Ever Felt This Way)

8.     Heartbreak Town

9.     Lullaby

you just can’t not love this song…not possible…oh, unless you hate lullabys.

10.    Loving Arms

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Here are the 10 Best Reasons to NOT own a cell phone


1.     Generally speaking, you’ll seem a lot less douchy.

2.     No tumors.

3.     Higher sperm count for the gentlemen.

4.     Because you’re pretty fond & even kind of braggy about all those brain cells of yours.

5.     Do it for the bees!  The entire bee population as we know it has stopped hooking up w/ flowers!  Did you get that?  Bees aren’t making it w/ plants anymore!!! Cell phones might be the reason bees can’t find their way back to their hives…the reason they stop making honey!

And…well…a world w/out honey…is it even worth it?

6.     Read The Cell by Stephen King (no…it’s not the same as the J-Lo film)…how does avoiding a nasty, bloody, horrible, way dictatarian, insanity inducing plague strike you?  You can count me out.

7.     You won’t get beaten up at the movies anymore because you “forgot” to turn off your cell & decided to take a call despite being in a darkened movie theatre where everyone else is trying to watch Paranormal Activity and be scared while you talk in your outside voice to some other giant douche who’s probably doing the same.

8.     Because the last time your car broke down on a deserted road @ night near a bunch of mutant mountain people or zombies and you needed your cell phone to call for help was never.

9.     You’re way better looking without it.

10.     Because of all the good karma points you’ll rack up by NOT driving while being a giant douche (i.e. driving too slowly because you’re on your cell talking/texting/being a douche)…in your next life, you’ll get to come back taller & with a naturally fast metabolism…promise!

The 10 Best X-Files Episodes…Ever:


I know!  It’s off the air!  However, I never saw the “Exit David Duchoveny, Enter Robert Patrick” seasons.  Until now.  &…

the truth is out there

and it’s on Netflix…all 9 seasons.

here are the 10 best…best as in funniest, creepiest, coolest……episodes EVER…


Thanks to the following:

CHRIS Carter.   DARIN Morgan.   VINCE Gilligan.   HOWARD Gordon.   KIM Manners.   JAMES Wong.   GLEN Morgan


1.     Every Episode w/ Robert Patrick (S8, S9)

I’ve never been MORE wrong about a “switch-0ut”.  This guy rocked the last 2 seasons of the X-files.

His chemistry with Scully was so off the charts great…let’s just say it’s a shame she was pregnant with Mulder’s half alien baby at the time.

2.     War of the Coprophages (S3, E12)

Scully gets jealous over a lady bug doctor (entamologist) named Bambi — enough said.

3.     Humbug (S2, E20)

Mulder & Scully and a circus sideshow.  Watch it.

4.     Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose (S3, E4)

Peter Boyle is the man.  So is the writer of this episode…Darin Morgan.

5.     Quagmire (S3, E22)

A tiny dog gets eaten by a giant-mutant alligator.  Not the usual hard-core X-Files “Aliens taking over the planet/stole my baby/cloning humans to create a race of super soldiers/colonizing us,” episodes.

6.     Home (S4, E2)

easily one of the sickest, creepiest, freakiest, disturbing-est, perturbing-est, scariest, most discomforting, unseemly, at times…unwatchable, “can’t believe I’m seeing this on television” episodes ever — IT WAS THE BEST!

7.     Unruhe (S4, E4)

it’s Silence of the Lambs/Dr. Lechter scary without any lambs, chianti, slurping, or fava beans — this has a scary guy with crazy eyes and a lobotomizing nose pick.

8.     Never Again (S4, E13)

1st and last time you see that Scully has a wild, one-nighter, tatts/bikers side — that & she doesn’t have a desk in that basement office…not cool!

9.     Small Potatoes (S4, E20)

the funniest x-files ever – you get to see pretend-Mulder put the moves on Scully and she’s so pleasantly wined up, she doesn’t say no.

10.      Bad Blood (S5, E12)

love this episode due to the vampires, the accents, the sherif (Luke Wilson…so good as Lucious Harwell there should’ve been a spin-off), the separate Scully/Mulder versions, and the start to finish HIGH-lariousness.

You also find out Mulder’s a totally abysmal tipper/cheap bastard…NOT attractive.


Honorable Mention:

11.     Triangle (S6, E3)

Mulder plants one on Scully (kisses her) and she goes Sista’ Soldja on him (punches him).

12.     Dreamland I & II (S6, E4-5)

Funny I & Funny II thanks in large part to Spinal Tap guy…Michael McKeean

13.     How the Ghosts Stole Christmas (S6, E6)

Lily Tomlin.  Ed Asner.  They play a couple of horrid, bitter, goulish, ghosts.  They’re great.

14.     Arcadia (S6, E15)

Finally…an X-files where Mulder & Scully have to pretend to be a couple.

15.     Milagro (S6, E18)

A writer, madly in-love w/ Scully, yet pretty demented…oh…& he has the power to make real what he writes.  Plus, a jealous Mulder.

16.     Sein und Zeit Pt. 1 (S7, E10), Closure Pt. 2 (S7, E11)

You’re gonna’ cry.  Think NYPD Blue.  The episode where Jimmy Smits’ character dies…And Buffy The Vampire Slayer.  The episode where her mom dies.  And Mash.  The episode where the helicoptor explodes & the people inside…well, die.

10 Best Techniques to Avoiding Stinktastic Odors on BART:


it’s inevitable


when you’re least expecting it…WHAM!  A stink known only to humans…

…as that of other live un-bathed humans…hits you upside your head and your only wish is that it lay you out completely


it doesn’t

& you endure your BART trip in fully conscious olfactory misery.

Or not.  Read on & thank me later:


1. Nose plugs

not a great look.

2. Mouth Breathing

yes you’ll have serious dry mouth.

3. Relocate

4. Polite Remarks

make one at the risk of having a stink curse put on you and your descendents throughout all of eternity…heard it with my own eyes!

5. Smart Remarks

make one at the risk of being stabbed…with or without health insurance, better than a curse.

6. Happy Places

go to yours…the one that smells like PB&J or cake…anything other than butt.

7. Mind-Power Harnessing

that’s right…harness the power of your mind and make the maloderous offender move (…size matters — is your brain bigger than Stinky?).

8. Hold your breath

once you pass out you won’t care what it smells like.

9. Exhale…Hard

breathe out really hard…you’ll move the bad smells away from you intermittently.  Trust me; even a minute reprieve is better than non-stop stink any day.

10. Scented Sachets

make & carry a sachet with you at all times.  Dangle it from a string tied around your forehead so that it stops right under your nose.  Voila!  Problem solved.

Well, it’s later — feel free to thank me by leaving any additional techniques I left out.

10 Best Animal Planet Shows That’ll Make You Very Afraid…of Animals.

It used to be you’d tune into Animal Planet and you’d get a show that made you learn and subsequently, love animals.

Not anymore.  Seems to be a new sheriff in town…with a crazy, new mission statement no less:

Be Afraid…Be VERY Afraid. 

Here are 10 real Animal Planet programs available for your viewing pleasure…

…or terror:


#1     River Monsters

The dvd cover contains the picture of a mutant-monster fish w/ zombie-FANGS.


#2     I’m Alive!

An animal attacked you, you lived, and you’ve been eating out on that story ever since.


#3     I Shouldn’t Be Alive

Not the same as #2…it’s a completely different show about animals and people getting too close.


#4     Monsters Inside Me

Sounds like a fun 1/2 hour.


#5     Fatal Attractions

I don’t even know.


#6     Blood Dolphins

Do dolphin’s have a time of the month?


#7     Pitbulls & Parolees

I bet there’s a Michael Vick segment.


#8     The Haunted

If you’re such a bad pet owner that your dead pet decides to come back & haunt you instead of a sausage factory…well, you probably have it coming.


#9     Killer Aliens

Killer aliens???


#10     Untamed & Uncut

Live footage of scary animals being animals…also stuff that didn’t make it onto #2 or #3.

Honorable Mention:

1.     Hillbilly Hand Fishin’

If that means what I think it means…forget it — I’m afraid…very afraid.

10 Best Songs for Dr. Elizabeth Warren’s Wall Street Beat Down Soundtrack…

Sincere & heartfelt congratulations & good wishes to Ms. Warren on her new appointment as Special Advisor (off-the-charts brilliant bad-ass) to a new Consumer Protection Financial Bureau (CPFB).

I hope Ass-Kicking makes it on her list & that she has the proper footwear for it.


1.     These boots are made for Walking (1966)   nancy sinatra

2.     Heartbreaker (1979)   pat benetar

3.     Quiet Dog Bites Hard (2009)   mos def

4.     Hit Me With Your Best Shot (1979)   pat benetar

5.     Fight The Power (1989)   public enemy

6.     Power To The People (1971)   john lennon

7.     TNT (1975)   ac/dc

8.     Cue The Rain (2009)   queen latifah

9.     Trouble (2003)   pink

10.     How You Like Me Now (2009)   the heavy


honorable mention:

Gold Digger (2005)   Kanye West — just gives this song a whole new meaning

Barracuda (1977)   Heart

Get Up On It (2007)   Empire ISIS



10 Best Techniques to AVOID Eye Contact on BART!

You don’t want it to happen.  Nobody does.

errant

unexpected

awkward

Stranger eye contact.  A complete stranger’s gaze sliding into yours.

You’re on BART…or some other place inhabited by lots of humans…and your eyes can’t seem to stop themselves from roving.

Next thing you know, “Houston, we have contact.”  A complete stranger slides right into your eye line.  They look at you.  You look at them.  You look to your left, then to your right.

What to do…what to do?  Read on, my fellow social mal-adjusts:


1.     Reading — best way ever to avoid making eye contact & yet another reason to be literate.

2.     Writing — a better way to go for the “I like to sound out the voices & accents in books” crowd.

3.     Arithmatic — eventually your eyes glaze over by themselves…easy-breezy-beautiful…math.

4.     Sunglasses — only if you’re cool enough.

5.     Goiter — trust me…no one’s making eye contact.  Unless they also have one…in which case, maybe romance or a friendship ensues.

6.     Talking…make that arguing…with yourself — loudly or matter-of-factly, your choice.

7.     Stinking — have a strong, negative odor waft from your person.

8.     Being cross-eyed — kind of hard to know which way to make eye contact.

9.     Solicitation — asking for stuff (money, a ride home, someone’s “shiny-shiny” shoes) produces the desired results!

10.   Knock-Knock jokes — to be used in case of emergency only…a midnight ride from SFO to Pittsburg, for instance.